Perspective

Yes my confusion is still here but it seems less important. Having a major health crisis in the family does put less important things in perspective. My mother-in-law's health took a decline this week. Is it life threatening? Yes it could be. Hopefully the medical intervention has stopped further decline. Since her EOL (end of life) decisions have been made acceptable treatment is limited. The one thing that could give her more time is a ventilator, she doesn't want that. She doesn't want to be kept alive by artificial means nor does she want brought back if she dies. She made these decisions a long time ago and confirmed her EOL decisions this time. She will be 71 on Halloween

She has approximately 15% lung function and her lungs are no longer able to do their job. She is getting CO2 build up in her blood. She did agree to a bipap (non invasive ventilation) which she wears continuously at night and every 2 hours during the day. When she's not on the bipap she's on 5 litres of oxygen. She also has carbon monoxide building up in her lungs.  The carbon monoxide and CO2 can have devastating consequences.

We honestly don't know from hour to hour what's going on. We just support her and our family any way we can. Last night I quietly sat by her bed listening to her sleep, stroking her hand. My sister-in-law hasn't left her side for almost a week so we brought her a hot meal and a few things she might need . We gave her a small break so she could rest. Family is family. During times like this petty problems seem not important and families come together. My husband and his sister don't always get along but the compassion shown is unmistakable. My sister-in-law is in the process of being diagnosed with MS and stress can be detrimental but she sleeps in a chair at the end of her mom's bed.

My own confusion seems less important and made me realize what is. Family.

To Be or Not Be?

Recently I've learned more about trust and friendship. Slowly and without warning I became the type of person I despise. The person I never dreamt of being, I want me back. I want the confident but slightly insecure me back. I want the love completely and freely person back. I am not me right now and don't know how to fix this. Without completely wrecking my life and repairing it once again. Don't get me wrong my marriage is good. I have a man who loves me and I don't doubt this. He's seen me at my best and loves me at my worst. He's never stopped fighting for us, in a way I have. But there's a small crack in the foundation of our marriage now. I don't know how to keep the crack from widening further without hurting other people.

I hate being so unsure and gullible.

Blogs that hit home, pulmonary fibrosis

Have you read another blog and that you totally understand where the blogger is coming from? Last night I read a blog and it hit me in my comfort zone. The blog was talking about one of their immediate family members recent diagnosis and how everyone is pulling together. It almost seems like it was yesterday that my stepmother passed away from the same disease her family member is facing. Pulmonary Fibrosis. The prognosis isn't good if you know someone who's living with it. Our family learned to accept the uninvited disease and face the unknown.

Pulmonary Fibrosis can be considered a terminal illness and is always fatal with a life expectancy of 5 years. We had less than 6 months.

Pulmonary fibrosis is the formation or development of excess fibrous connective tissue (fibrosis) in the lungs. It is also described as "scarring of the lung".  (Source Wikipedia)

Symptoms

Symptoms of pulmonary fibrosis are mainly:

Shortness of breath, particularly with exertion

Chronic dry, hacking coughing

Fatigue and weakness

Chest discomfort

Loss of appetite and rapid weight loss

Pulmonary fibrosis is suggested by a history of progressive shortness of breath (dyspnea) with exertion.  Sometimes fine inspiratory crackles can be heard at the lung bases on auscultation.  A chest x-ray may or may not be abnormal, but high Resolution CT will frequently demonstrate abnormalities.  (Source Wikipedia)

In 2009 or 2010 everyone began to notice my step mom was losing weight rapidly and starting to experience shortness of breath. Her activity level quickly diminished. She stopped going to town. This was a woman who went to town multiple times a day or drive 70 miles (round trip) for a deep fried pickle. Or 100 miles for beef jerky. Her sudden exhaustion didn't raise too much concern because she was 80, general tiredness should be expected with aging.

As the shortness of breath persisted and continued to get worse testing began in 7/11. In August she was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis. The prognosis was bad. My dad, niece and stepsister began providing 24 hour care at home.  On 12/14/11 my stepmother was admitted to the hospital to have higher amounts of oxygen administered. She was quickly put on 15 liters. On 12/20 the Dr felt she should be put on a ventilator, she refused. The hospital wanted her to go to a hospice, she refused. She just wanted to go home. The hospital she was in was 50 miles from home.

On 12/21 my family arranged for a squad to bring her home.  Our family realized she might not survive the trip but it's what she wanted. A couple hours before the transport some of the family came in to be there when the extra oxygen tanks were delivered, three tanks were connected. My step sister got her new furniture (she never sat on) and another decorated a tree. The hospice nurse arrived .

During the transport her oxygen had to be decreased. Again we were aware she might not survive the trip. Once the squad arrived and she was being unloaded her eyes brightened up. You could see a radiant smile behind the oxygen mask as she greeted the family with a wave. She was home.

It took an hour or so to get her situated and for quick training for those providing direct care. My family was shown how to give her morphine during the times hospice wasn't there. We thought we would have a few days so I was supposed to go the next morning to be with her.

The hospice nurse gave her morphine and she started burning up. The doors and Windows were opened. My family put on a CD of Dolly Parton singing "precious memories". Her conditioned worsened but she was alert enough to comfort my step niece. She told her not to cry I'm with Jesus now.

She passed away as Dolly was singing "Precious Father, Loving Mother". I'm bawling as I write this.

Perhaps the ambulance ride took away hours or days from the time she had left but it's what she wanted. Maybe the hospice might have gave her a few days but she just wanted to go home. Why deny her that? She felt she took care of her 9 children including me and some of her grandchildren , we should take care of her. My family took good care of her. Did she suffer? Her golden heart stopped beating before she started completely suffocating. In the end it would of felt like trying to breathe with a boulder on her chest. She made a choice to refuse further medical intervention just to go home.

It breaks my heart knowing a family I only know through blogging will take this same journey my family traveled not long ago. I'm praying for them

Diabetes Control

Protecting my ultimate health and the fear of insulin is the two main reasons why I take my diet seriously. It saddens me knowing my friends with diabetes were once in the same place I was in April are now on insulin. Most didn't try to change their diet or lifestyle. 75% of them continue to eat bad even today and some drink alcohol. Why Why Why? Are they trying to kill themselves? Diabetes Mellitus can affect every organ, diabetes can lead to amputations and death.

Diabetes Mellitus can be managed with diet , exercise and medicine. Diabetes Mellitus can become a terminal illness if it isn't managed.  Why don't they try harder. It's not that difficult to avoid sugar and things that cause spikes. I did it and my diabetes is controlled. I was very discouraged in the beginning but I got advice from.others with type 2.  They helped me make better choices. We cook differently and eat differently, it's not that difficult. I mess up occassionly but that's just me. I may have lost some of my favorite foods but perhaps I added years to my life by making better choices.

Jael from ANTM

I was shocked to find out about Jael's addiction to methamphetamines. If you followed ANTM SEASON 8 you know about JAEL. She was one of a very few that had an actual personality on season 8.  She didn't take life or the modeling competition seriously. Although she took stunning pictures she wasn't model material. The sad reality is if she won the competition she would not have been taken seriously as a " TOP MODEL". For many on ANTM they found out by doing the reality series most reputable agencies won't hire them. Very few have become super models. Don't get me wrong a few did good after ANTM but only a few. It's a dog eat dog career and only a few are left unscathed. A couple of the contestants ended up on other reality series. Lisa D'Amato ended up on celebrity rehab for addiction. Adrienne Curry, the first winner of ANTM, was on the Surreal Life where she met Christopher Knight (Peter Brady, from the Brady Bunch). She did a couple other reality shows because of her relationship with Knight.  Adrienne like Jael had drugs in her past.

I really think those entering into the competition should have their mental health evaluated. The criticism some experienced was harsh and semi-abusive. Modeling takes more than a pretty face and size 2 body. Most develop nerves of steel and a calm resolve to deal with rejection. Jael didn't have the calmness and control of her emotions.

I'm not blaming ANTM for Jael's problems because she obviously had problems before she was on ANTM. One of Jael's close friends died of a drug overdose while Jael was doing ANTM. She did push through for that week.

Reality shows that focus on beauty and body type, can be very detrimental to young girls and adults because of the constant judgment or criticism. Jael had problems beforehand. I think contestants should be evaluated before being filmed. Jael no longer had no goals after doing the show and relied heavily on drugs.

Jael's intervention happened on the Dr Phil show. It was kind of shocking seeing her behavior and how much she had changed physically. If you haven't seen the video look up her name on YouTube.

I'm praying the intervention and drug rehabilitation works for her. It's a shame to see a once beautiful girl pitted, scarred and skeletal from drug addiction.

Drug Epicenter in my State

In my State its Marion. The community posted signs in their front yards saying "Heroin Fuels Marion's Economy". A private citizen paid for 800 signs to be printed and distributed. I don't think Marion is the epicenter but it may have a larger percentage of arrest or overdoses than most communities comparable in size. Heroin abuse exists everywhere and until people proclaim it, it will remain a dirty secret.

Marion proclaimed their problem in a big way by posting signs. What about Findlay or New Richmond or Columbus? I have relatives in each place struggling with addiction. Heroin is an opiate that destroys lives. It destroys families, relationships and the community. It destroys. This whole situation has left me pissed off and speechless.

The real damage is still unfolding. What the fuck is wrong with my family? It was heartwrenching to find out 1 or 2 were dealing with addiction but 7?? Two are my biological nieces putting fucking drugs into their bodies. 6 are shooting up.

In the long run their kids will suffer. It's all becoming apparent and I'm fucking pissed.

140

I met my latest goal with weightloss. I'm now around 138-140 lbs. Below 10st for my readers in the UK. My next and final goal is 135, I'm almost there. My glucose is not spazzing out with each bite of food now, I haven't seen real increases in over a week.

I'm sticking to my diet regardless of readings. I don't think the diabetes is gone it's laying dormant for my next fuck up.