Diabetic Spike

I'm happy to report that since 8/15 that I've had normal (and healthy) blood glucose except yesterday. My daily average has been between 90-110. Yesterday it did spike at 173 (4 hours after eating)  but today it's back to 115. The strange part is I had only ate whole wheat & oat toast with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter. It's not like I downed a mt dew or ate chocolate or anything with real sugar. My body doesn't handle carbohydrates, starchy food or sugars. It sucks!

Twerking Part Deux (2)

I wonder if Miley Cyrus wasn't Billy Ray's daughter and had not started her career on Disney if the twerking would of been a big deal? Had this of been Lady Gaga, Beyonce ,Katie Perry or Rihanna it may have been expected and easily accepted.

That is the cruel reality of the entertainment industry. She's getting a ton of bad press but any press is better than not being noticed at all. Many celebrities built their careers on negative articles. And I've noticed with some legitimate magazines (not tabloids) that if certain celebrities aren't mentioned every 2-3 days they intentionally do something to get mentioned again. Kayne West is good about that and will complain about the media interfering in his life. Beyonce is another celebrity that complains of the press invading her privacy but does her damn best to get weekly mention.

So Miley was twerking on an awards show on MTV. Honestly big fucking deal. People's complaining about how inappropriate it was, have they ever seen the reality shows once showed on VH1 such as Rock of Love or Flavor of Love?  I admit I enjoyed watching them but skanks paraded around half naked for more than 2-3 minutes, much longer than Miley's twerking.

She's trying to find herself as an entertainer who's now an adult, give her a fucking break. If people want to censor award shows then don't do a live feed, have a 5-10 minute delay. But then again I would hate to live in a country that the government and elected officials censor what I can see and cannot see. This is the home of the brave and the land of the free.

Twerking

I guess every generation has an entertainer or two that has explicit behaviour on stage. This isn't a new concept but I think Miley's clothing that night increased the shock factor besides her twerking.

Twerk - The rhythmic gyrating of the lower fleshy extremities in a lascivious manner with the intent to elicit sexual arousal or laughter in ones intended audience

I found the definition in the Urban Dictionary.

My generation had Madonna and Prince. Their behavior on stage was shocking at the time . Offensive lyrics , and obscene dance. Mild compared to Twerking though. One member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers preformed with just a tube sock covering his junk. Flea, the bass player for the RHCP has also been on stage completely nude. I don't recall anyone making a big deal about that.

Miley is like many entertainers who got locked in very high expectations. She constantly has to reinvent herself to get away from being Disney Channel's Hanna Montana. That role worked for her as a young teen but to further her career as an adult she went to the extreme. She isn't the first Disney actress to go bad or reinvent themselves. The Mickey Mouse Club had a few. Many had to go to the extreme to get away from the squeaky clean image they maintained for years on Disney.

Christina Aguilera's song "Dirty" was an eye opener. The video and the way she was dressed was raunchy .Britney Spears has continuously reinvented herself.  Britney got involved with drugs after marrying & divorcing young.  Everyone watched Britney's life crumble in the tabloids. Lindsay Lohan was another Disney princess to fall from grace, her destruction has been ongoing for years. Not all of them could be clean cut like Annette Funicello. Even as an adult Annette's behavior was reminiscent of her behavior on Disney.

And it's not just the kids who started their careers on Disney. Other child actors who played certain roles for years were unable to get into a serious adult career. Or their new roles were stereotypes of old characters. Some child actors and performers were able to maintain careers as adults but the failure rate seems greater.

Sadly some cute kid actors look homely as an adult such as Macaulay Culkin. His career dissipated once he hit puberty and failed to materialize as an adult. He had a great career run during the 80s and early 90s. This once A list actor can still get bit parts but isn't taken seriously. Culkin wasn't the first actor to be unable to move from child to adult roles. Macaulay Culkin has battled drug addiction this last decade. 

Miley will continue to take chances and reinvent herself to further her career. Hopefully she won't ruin it before then because of twerking.

Parallel Lives

Growing up during the 80s in the Mid-West I realize now how lucky I was. I'm very fortunate that I never became addicted to drugs & alcohol. If you have followed this blog you already know my mom died when I was 12, a month before starting Jr High. In Jr high I experienced something I've never felt before. I was bullied and felt inadequate among my peers. I was so underweight my body had not developed yet, my breasts was nonexistent.  Friends I had in elementary school joined in with the crowd to bully me and a few other."poor" kids. I felt ugly and so alone. I never felt good enough or worthy enough to converse with my peers. Between the age of 12-14 I was so miserable I spoke to nobody at school and when I did I was the butt of many jokes. Most of my peers did not know my mom just died and I didn't tell them because I didn't want their pity. I couldn't talk to my family because of our screwed up school hours. By the end of 7th grade a new girl moved next door and I finally had a true friend. I did have some friends in Jr high but nobody I could confide in and nobody that lived close. It was a lonely time for me and I experimented with alcohol.

When I moved away when I was 15 did my classmates notice I was even gone? Probably not ,my existence at that school was insignificant. At my new school I made friends easily and felt less isolated. My best friend was my cousin and I spent weekends with her at her boyfriends. We would get drunk every weekend. I had two groups of friends! I tried to be more outgoing at school and made friends that way. I was popular among my peers for once in my life. I attended football games & dances. I was heavily involved in clubs such as VICA, DARE and FHA. I had a boyfriend, my life was finally good but on the weekends I got drunk. It's ironic I was never around alcohol when I was younger.

Before Mom died neither of my parents drank alcohol on a regular basis. Occassionly Dad would buy a 6 pack and drink one a day. I only remember my Mom drinking once at an office Christmas party. When she died Dad's personality did a complete 360. He started drinking more and daily. My brothers started drinking. If my sister and I wanted to do something , Dad would rather we do it at home. Dad bought us cigarettes since we wanted to smoke. Bought my sister Rum. After a few months of severe depression my Dad woke up and forbid us to drink.

A hundred mere miles away another teen was experimenting with alcohol and drugs. Our age and circumstances were similar but I'm unsure of her school situation or home life. Her drug use quickly became significant and long term.

Alot of people smoked marijuana around me when I partied all the time . I made a conscious choice not to use drugs, smoke dope or continue drinking. As early as I started drinking I could of very well become an alcoholic.

Once I was old enough to obtain the alcohol myself it had lost all of its appeal to me. I made a choice not to drink anymore. I made a choice to not be around people using heavier drugs or use them myself. That's what bothers me about my niece's heroin use. She made a choice the first couple times she used. It is controlling her life now and will continue to do so. Even though she "claims" to be clean she's most likely using again. It breaks my heart because heroin is taking away her freedom to choose. It may very well take away her freedom (jail or prison) and eventually her life. That is the reality of substance abuse!!

We realized today it may take something significant to wake her up and hopefully it will. My mom died of natural causes . I don't want to see my great nieces and nephew growing up without her for her own stupidity. And their dad's own stupidity. It's stupid putting a needle in their arms to feed a controller (heroin). I will support her through recovery but I won't enable her.

I'm a Teetotaler

Teetotalism is a strange term but one I've practiced for 12+ years. I don't drink alcoholic beverages. I haven't really drank alcohol since I was a teenager. Drinking lost It's fun when I was actually old enough to buy it myself.

Teetotalism refers to either the practice of, or the promotion of, complete abstinence from alcoholic beverages. A person who practices (and possibly advocates) teetotalism is called a teetotaler (also spelled teetotaller; plural teetotalers or teetotallers) or is simply said to be teetotal. The teetotalism movement was first started in Preston, England in the early 19th century. (Source Wikipedia)

Don't get me wrong between the age of 13-18 I was trashed most weekends. We would get adults to buy beer and wine for us. We would stay put and not go out of the house once we started drinking. 

Some of my friends also smoked marijuana, no adults bought that for us. I never really dabbled too much with pot, I liked beer. None of our group had problems with alcohol once we were adults and none of us became druggies, surprise surprise. All of my friends grew up and stopped drinking. All got married, raised families and worked a respectful job. All attend church, believing in a God greater than themselves and they instilled that belief in their children.

These days I don't drink and only take prescribed medication. The smell of beer is appalling to me now . Being a teenager in the 80s was awesome.

Everything happens For a Reason

I have been thinking about my side of the family and everything that has happened since March. My family has dealt with every emotion from the loss of my uncle R to pancreatic cancer and being angry for my niece's addiction. And everything in between. I think things happened the way they did for a reason. That theory didn't make sense at the time but I believe it now to be true.  In March when I learned about R's cancer I was also told of my Aunt J and B passing away. Not only did I have to deal with the potential loss of my uncle, I was grieving for my Aunts. My Uncle died a few days after I found out about the pancreatic cancer, it had metastasized to his liver. Even though my Aunts have been gone for awhile and a long time before R, I had to grieve for the loss of all 3 at the same time.

In April things got really bad. I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and my eldest brother ended up in the hospital with pneumonia and an unidentified infection that could of potentially became lethal.  He had multiple issues that needed resolved but if the infection turned septic, the other issues would not matter. He could of died from any of these issues. My brother's sickness went on until July. He was hospitalized a few times and 15+ times through the ER. He was supposed to have a sleep study before his operation, which would of put his operation and his daughters Csection around the same time. But ended up having emergency surgery in July. By time he was almost fully recuperated, Levi was born. I think his surgery happening when it did was a blessing.

On the day Levi was born we learned about my niece's addiction to BTH. Had my brother been struggling with his own medical issues still he would not of been able to help his other daughter and support his ex-wife while she helped my niece detox. Again everything happened when it did for a reason.

My brother became the strength of the family again after months of sickness. Both of my nieces needed his strength this month. His former wife needed his strength. My eldest niece is recuperating from her Csection and my other niece will be recuperating from a heroin addiction the rest of her life. I honestly don't think it's over. One small slipup can get her spiralling out of control again. It will break my heart if she starts using again.

This is my niece (addict)  holding Levi. To protect her privacy I cropped her face out of the picture.

Great Nephew

A boy after my own heart

Addiction Update..

I'm so happy my niece reached out to me yesterday. She is struggling coming to terms with the realization she has a problem and she's struggling with the return of feelings she tried to numb with heroin. She's an addict and will always be an addict, she will be recovering for the rest of her life. Heroin addiction is quite different than most addictive behavior as heroin is the strongest of the opiates.

It makes me question my long term use of opiates, that I have taken off and on since 1998. I hurt my back and was initially prescribed 800 mg of ibuprofen in the ER. By the first Drs appointment I was given a shot and placed on bedrest with a prescription of Tylenol 4 for 2 weeks.  For the next 3 years I took epidural injections and cortisone in my lower back along with extensive physical therapy. I kept working as a Nursing Assistant, sometimes working 16 hour days. I continued to get worse. During the 3 years I took Ultram and a muscle relaxer, alternating between Flexerel and Zanaflex. After almost 3 years my Dr started restricting the hours I could work and placing me off work. I did everything possible to keep working and avoid stronger medication. My Dr ordered a second MRI and showed additional damage including deterioration of lower vertebraes from L4 down and an additional herniated disc. Due to unforseen circumstances I changed Drs, my first Dr died. I've been with my current Dr 12 years. In 2001 I was put on Percocet 5, initially prescribed 4 a day. After awhile and it was moved to 12 a day and then I had my operation. My surgeon put me on vicodin and increased my muscle relaxer from 2 to 8 a day. For 2 months I took 34 pills a day. I spoke with my Dr and Surgeon about the amount of pain relievers I was prescribed. I was worried about possible addiction. Both assured me that since I had a medical need addiction was not likely. I wasn't taking them for a Buzz. After 2 months my medicine was drastically decreased and I was fine with that.

Oddly enough when I was taking pain killers around the clock my niece who was 13-14 at the time was my care giver. Yes the same niece who is now dealing with a heroin addiction. During my heavily medicated first 2 months of recuperation, I could do very little for myself. I used a walker for 2 months but couldn't stand up without assistance to use it. My husband showered and dressed my lower extremities. Helped me go to the bathroom when he was home but when he was working, she helped me. I could not get in and out of bed without help, I needed someone to put my back brace on me. I was a mess. I got better but for how long? I'm as good as I'm going to get. As I age I will deteriorate further and I'm currently on a Class 2 Narcotic, I take 6 a day. I've been on the same dose for years and never ask for an increase or stronger dose. I also have the option of pain shots at the ER. I've only taken 3 in 15 years.

Earlier on I did everything possible to avoid long term pain killers including 4 epidural blocks, cortisone in my spine, surgery, therapy and work hardening. Everything failed. I made a conscience choice to avoid life altering decisions  regarding pain relievers and stronger narcotics, so far so good. I worry about possible addiction and my own well being. Physically I need my medicine to function because the pain is real. It's not an imagined pain. Do I need it everyday? Some days NO.. somedays yes. I've had too many diagnostic test to prove the medicine is needed.Somedays doing basic house cleaning, laundry and vacuuming increases my pain or. Other days I can do more. Pain sucks!!

Considering the amounts of opiates I've taken and continue to take I'm not addicted. Those around me have progressed to hard drugs but I have not.

Diabetes Update

After the last 10 days I'm fighting to get things back under control after being blindsided with my niece's addiction. I'm an emotional eater and continuously pick or nibble when I'm stressed. Thankfully with the help of Metaforim my numbers are returning to manageable levels. I'm moving forward with management and continued control of my type 2. 90% of the time I limit calories, carbohydrates, sugar and starchy foods. I eat around 1200-1500 calories a day. I keep carbohydrates & starch to a minimum. I've eliminated 90% of sugars and look for healthier alternatives to my sweet tooth.

Sunday morning I took a small sip of my husband's MT DEW and cringed from the taste. Things with full sugar have become nasty to me. I can't believe I ever loved MT DEW not too long ago. Diet Dr Pepper is the way I roll. I just wish some carbohydrates had the same effect for me as MT Dew did. McDonald's fries have become nasty. No I'm not buying fries for me, I randomly swipe a few from hubby once a month.

Today my blood sugar was 107. I never thought months ago my waking blood sugar would be below 140 .

I'm an Addict

Admitting to yourself and others that you have a problem is the first step to recovery. I was pleasantly surprised to read this on Facebook earlier....

I have been through hell this past week but i put a lot of people through hell and i need to apologize for my bad decision and stupid mistakes. I deserve the hell i went through bc of what i have been doing but my family did not deserve it. I want to thank my mom  and her Whami Detox Center I want to thank my Dad  for loving me and wanting me to get better. I want to apologize to my sister  for doing what i did and especially since you just welcomed that beautiful babyboy into our world you guys didn't deserve that and i will spend the rest of my life doing what i need to stay clean so that nothing like that ever happens again I want to apologize and thank you. m-I-l because you needed me and i wasn't there for you but i thank you for your love and faith. That goes for everyone its not going to be a easy road there will be bumps and even some potholes but i made it that way. I hate that i only see how much love there truly is for me when i do something as stupid as what i have done.... I am now and will always be a addict but im staying clean for me my babies and my family i love you all so very much and i don't deserve the forgiveness or the love you guys have shown me but im going to do what i need to to make sure i earn it all back. i love you guys.

This is copied directly from her facebook status I did remove my family members names for privacy but It's a start. She is starting the rehabilitation process as is her husband. She's aware of the possible outcome if she or her husband abuses drugs.

Addiction Sadness

Where is that little girl that I took to the zoo with a few of her little friends? Or when she decided to go roller skating instead of dressing up for trick or treat?  Where is the little girl who swam in 12 ft water at the age of 4, gliding through the water like a mystical mermaid? My precious girl walked before she was 9 months old and used the potty chair by the end of her first year of life.  She did everything earlier than most and what she did ,she did better. She is my second niece and the first with my genes. I was 17 when my brother became a biological father for the first time. He was so proud to show her off. Now he's angry like we all are and he cries for the child he could possibly lose because of Heroin. His daughter, my niece, our world. Her mother's heart breaks more each day, trying to care for the little ones and her junkie daughter while working a stressful full time job. That is the reality my family is facing because she made a poor decision to try heroin. Her grandfather is unaware of her habit and she's been warned not to darken his doorstep with her problem. And she's not to pester him for money, as far as she knows he's broke. We chose not to tell him because it would break his heart. He has enough heart break hearing about our extended family who's also hooked on that shit. If my mom and stepmother could see her now from heaven, I imagine their eyes would be full of tears. As ours are. What happened, where did we go wrong?

I helped raise my niece, did I mess up in some way? Did I miss something or not give enough love and attention? Did I give too much? When I spoke to her about the importance of education and about starting a career before starting a family did she listen? Of course not. She gave birth twice at at the age of 19 (10 1/2 months apart) and again at the age of 21 (twins) . Being a young mother of so many kids quickly became an excuse for bad choices, bad relationships and her needing attention. Don't get me wrong she loves her kids but she's using them as an excuse for her own bad decisions. She chose to have unprotected sex with her husband shortly after the birth of her eldest child and before he took his first steps she gave birth again.  She chose to get pregnant again to save a crumbling marriage, she had twins born 8 weeks premature. She chose to leave and come back to her marriage, being a young mom who married too soon was her excuse. She came back a few months ago to rekindle her marriage and to care for the children so he could go to rehab. I dislike her husband but I don't blame him for the mistakes she continues to make. God blessed her with the ability to make decisions and common sense. Most likely since she's shooting up heroin, he introduced her to it. I don't blame him and wish neither ill well but I hope they both will get help to fight this disease. If not for their kids, at least for themselves. Heroin is one of the hardest substances to quit and more often than not it takes repeated attempts after multiple relapses. Heroin is the only drug pharmaceutical companies have developed alternative drugs to help kick the habit, methadone and suboxen (sp?) . The problem is the alternatives for heroin are highly addictive also. So the addict is trading one addiction for another. Will she be able to be clean and stay clean?

I will love her until my life is over but I will not enable her bad decision. If she needs food we will feed her but no money will exchange hands nor will she stay at my house if she's not clean. I'm hoping and praying to god she can get clean. Not for our sake but for her own. I don't want to see her die young for stupidity and see her put in the ground.

The road ahead of her if she chooses life will be rocky with dangerous precipice as she gets sober. I just hope if she gets too close to the edge , she hangs on. We love her.

Addiction is Not for The Weak

I love my family and would give up my own life to save one of them. If my sacrifice extends their life by only one day and ends my own , I would still give part of myself to them. Family is family and my love for them is unconditional. My family has been disappointed in me from time to time and their own actions have been disappointing to me but I would die today to save one of them. I'm very disappointed and ashamed to admit my family member is a junkie. She knows better and that addiction destroys family. A girl I helped raise is tempting fate each time she shoots drugs. It's like Russian Roulette with a single bullet, each time she shoots up the gun clicks revealing an empty chamber. Eventually she will get to the bullet and the results will be deadly. She's killing herself and we can't save her until she's willing to save herself. Addiction is a disease, the same as my type 2 diabetes is a disease. Both were inadvertently caused by bad decisions but I was predisposed by genetics to develop diabetes if the conditions were right. The conditions must have been optimum because I waited too long to make changes to my diet and lifestyle. Regardless how much weight I lose and how controlled my diet is, I will still be a diabetic. Even if my numbers stay normal I still need to be cautious.

On the other hand I don't think my loved one was predisposed to become a heroin addict. I'm ashamed of her disease and the person she has become because of the addiction. I will continue to help fight for her life and get the girl we love back. She needs to fight for own her life and face whatever fallout her disease has caused. I'm frightened she might get a disease or be sexually assaulted while she's using heroin. What if she shares a syringe with her husband or someone else? Will she end up with HIV or Hepatitis C?  What if she's raped while under the influence? What if she ends up in jail or prison? The city's work house? Heroin addiction makes all of these things real possibilities.

What if she buys bad dope or overdoses? The consequences of Heroin Addiction are very real and life threatening. It might not get her today or even next week but eventually she will get to that loaded chamber and bang she's dead.

Addiction

Most family deals with addiction at some point and sadly my own biological family isn't exempt from this frustration and heartbreak. I'm angry at a young adult I helped raise. I'm hurt that she has put herself in this situation and I'm frightened for her. Someone who shares my genetics is a heroin addict. She's been shooting up dope. Her body is wasting away. I used to think things like this happened to other families not ours but these last few weeks has been a wake up call. I had one (step niece) in jail for heroin trafficking to support her habit. Her husband in jail for stealing to support his habit. My step-nephew for forgery and step-brother is wanted. When will this fucking stop? Now my biological niece is hooked on this shit.

WHY WHY WHY????

The day some of the family found out about her addiction my other niece had just given birth. This day should of been about joy and hope, it suddenly turned to agony, anger and despair. Our family is angry with her, we are mad as hell. We are angry she used heroin to begin with. We are angry because she has 4 small children, but their safety and wellbeing comes last. We are angry because she let M down on the day L was born. She had agreed to watch the other kids while M was giving birth unbeknownst to us that she's a junkie that has been shooting heroin. She risked 6 little lives to go get her fix, speeding on the freeway without using proper child restraints. We are mad that she left 6 small children unattended in a hot car on a hot day. We are fucking pissed she carried heroin in the car with these children driving erratically. She risked their lives to get a fix. I'm mad as hell she broke her parent's heart knowing the medical struggle her dad just suffered through. We spent 4 months not knowing if he would live or die. A week ago my brother cried like a baby for his daughter and cries daily. He's possibly the strongest man I've ever known and I draw my strength from him and my husband. They both broke down and wept.

But at the same time I scared and fearful of her future if she even has a future. Once she gets clean staying clean will be a struggle for the rest of her life. Heroin addiction is one of the most difficult things to beat. I'm scared each time she uses she is damaging her body, slowly killing herself.  We know now she's been abusing heroin, we feel so helpless. It's painful for me , that a girl I would give my life for is dying because of heroin. Will she get hepatitis or HIV from shooting up? Will she die of an overdose? Will she end up in prison or jail? Will she be a victim of a violent crime or sell her body for that next hit of heroin ? These questions are yet to be answered.

I talked to family yesterday as I was forewarned most likely she will reach out to me when she becomes homeless in a few weeks. We all decided if she's hungry we will feed her but we will not give her money nor will she or her husband be allowed to stay with any of us. Her 4 babies complicate things and we will try our hardest to keep the kids out of children services. The kids will be the true victims in this and that part is shattering my heart. It makes my blood run cold knowing her bad decision may hurt them. We don't want them in foster care or seperated. The kids don't need to be around their parents or heroin either. It's a lose lose situation for the kids until she gets clean and stays clean.

Contrary to popular belief drug abuse affects more than the person slowly killing themselves.

Besides the drug addict , family members and children are the victims.Children often end up being raised by other family members or being put in foster care.  The communities are affected because of the rise of crime. An addict without limitless resources will steal and violence will increase in neighborhoods polluted by drugs. The war on drugs may turn out to be WW3, as the causalities and dead continue to rise. I want my niece to live and not be another statistic. I want her to see her addiction affects all of us.

I recently reached out to a recovering addict I seen 15 years ago on the documentary, Black Tar Heroin, The dark End of the Street. After years of Heroin use she was able to get clean and stay clean. Her overall sobriety is tested daily, 15 years later. She chooses to stay clean for her family but most important she's staying clean for herself. She is giving other addicts hope that there is life after addiction. Over half of the people that were on the documentary have died of Heroin overdose. They were young and still had their lives ahead of them. When I first seen this documentary I never thought this level of addiction would happen in my family. I was wrong.

Moral Compass

Sometimes I question my life and what helps me make decisions in my life. Being brought up in church I was taught to be a moral person. But what makes an immoral person? Bad decisions or choices, we all make them periodically. I know I do. We all make bad decisions, nobody is perfect. I am not perfect, and never claimed to be. I'm a sinner, we all are. I've showed pride for my accomplishments, and pride is one of the 7 deadly sins. I recently spoke harshly to a friend about her mother, I judged a stranger for her "loose" actions. My friend doesn't know who her father is because at the time she was conceived her mom was married but had multiple partners.  I called her mother a whore and after my friend left I felt awful. I judged a stranger and only one person has the right to judge, GOD. I will ask God for forgiveness and apologize to my friend, because it was not my place to condemn or judge her mother.

Growing up in rural America most of my friends had two parents and nobody doubted their genetics. We knew without a doubt who our parents were. There was no Maury Povich moments, you know what I'm saying. "You are not the father." I guess their moral Compass doesn't have a stopping point, or perhaps it stops much later than mine does.

I think religion plays a big part in being a moral person but people who don't follow the teachings of the church aren't always immoral either. I think for the most part most people are decent regardless of religion and most follow the "Golden Rules" and 10 commandments without realizing it. I was really surprised organized religion and Christianity is not that important in Alot of countries. My grandfather was a Wesleyan minister and he was a sinner earlier in his life. After he was saved he became a minister and preached for 50+ years. Besides visiting the sick and preaching the gospel, he raised a god fearing family. My parents attended a baptist church. Three times a week. My brothers and I all attended Catholic Church, my brother J was baptized as a Catholic at birth & given the "last rites", he is still alive almost 49 years later. My brother D completed catechism classes and his children are being raised in the Catholic Church.

I think we all have a Moral Compass with different stopping points. How I choose to live and my inability to lie is a testament to my upbringing. For most of my life I've treated others decently and with respect, regardless of how they treated me. Recently my opinions have become harsher and unjustified. I need to ask forgiveness and stop being so critical.

Right now I'm angry, hurt and frightened. These emotions are justified. I pray our faith will get us through this path I never thought we would have to travel.

I will go into more detail the next entry.

Oatmeal banana bars

I made this and used a 8" x 8" square pan. It made 16 squares. It's yummy

Privacy

Believe it or not I'm a very private person. It's easier for me to share bits and pieces of my life here without totally exposing myself. I'm a screen name here and a diabetic. I'm a grandmother because of a long marriage to my husband. I'm a daughter, aunt and friend. I have a few sick relatives and suffer with a back injury that may or may not put me in a chair. For 7 years I was an administrator of an online chat. My experience on the chat left me jaded and more private. I remain friends with a select few from the chat.

But I'm more than all of these things. I'm very private and shy. My experience with the chat and MySpace made me crave privacy. My security settings on Facebook are to the extreme. If your not a friend or on one of my existing friends list, " I don't exist" even though I'm registered as my real name.

An ex stalked me online and I left MySpace years ago because of the unwanted attention. Honestly the relationship we had ended in 1990 and didn't mean anything to me. There was no intimacy..nada. I held his hand at school. In his mind our relationship was life changing and based future relationships on what we had. He's had 2 failed marriages because they weren't me. I ended this "relationship weeks before I graduated, he was a Jr. Because of the distance and that I had plans after high school , having a boyfriend didn't fit in my plans. Ironically the night I graduated I was asked out and began a relationship that lasted 9 months, I moved out on Valentine's day. A few weeks after I left R , I met my husband.  My privacy is tight on Facebook to avoid my stalker ex.

Has R tried to find me too? I hope not. Again I'm unknown and removed a friend on Facebook that was a common link. My Facebook friends consist of lifelong friends, relatives and a few online friends. It's less complicated this way. My privacy and sense of self is important. The older I get I'm finding I'm more introverted. I'm content with being alone with my husband and dogs. After 22 years I'm happy with my life. Our family near and far means everything to us. There is a secret part to my heart nobody knows about. A secret self and unanswered questions of "what if ".These questions will never be realized but I'm okay with that. Loving my husband has completed me in ways I never thought possible after walking away from R.

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers.

Cell phones and festivals and Foods

Sadly I decided to miss out on our county fair this year because enjoying festival foods was always appealing to me. Some of my favorite foods I can no longer eat, cotton candy for example or funnel cakes. Cotton candy and funnel cakes will put me back in the land of hyperglycemia easily. Texas Tenderloin...the bread would send my head spinning. Maybe next year when I'm more stable I will enjoy going to the fair again. I'm pretty much sugarfree but have trouble with eating things in moderation.

I've attended this particular fair since I was a teenager. It was always a great place to catch up with friends I didn't get to see all summer. Besides eating, playing games and riding rides, it was fun to just hang out. We would cruise the midway and say hello to other friends we would happen to see or bump into. More often than not we would have to check in with a family member occassionly and knew when it was time to go. There was no cellphones then, just payphones to tell us to come home.

My generation would interact with the people and objects around us. The younger generation no longer enjoy the surroundings most walk with a phone glued to their ear or texting oblivious to the life around them. It's disappointing that very few look around.

Reality with type 2 diabetes

I'm sad that I allowed myself to get this horrible disease. My poor eating habits and extra weight played it's part along with the strong genetics. I was predisposed to this disease through my genetics and how I gained weight, it was all in my midsection. I was overweight but not obese. I barely had an unhealthy BMI, a few pounds between normal and overweight. The sad reality is my siblings who are bigger than me DO NOT HAVE DIABETES. Or they don't have it yet. Until I was in my 20s I was severely underweight. I weighed 140 when I injured my back. Took steroids and epidural injections in my spine. My sedentary lifestyle after surgery got me here and having 5 fast-food restaurants within walking distance.

My life today is denying myself all sugar and limiting carbs. Starchy foods is very limited. I do cave with an occasional French Fry or a carbohydrates feast. I'm not perfect. My glucose is normally 111-120 when I wake up, not 170 anymore. I'm still putting up a good fight, I know now it took me 42 years to fuck up. I can't fix this overnight.

Diabetes update

I had an appointment yesterday b/p was 128/80 pulse 94 oxygen level 98% and weight 147. I had a 11 pound loss since my diagnosis of type 2 diabetes in April. I weighed 158 and lost 1 lb the first few days. From 4/29- 5/26 I lost an additional 6 lbs. From 5/26- 7/31 I lost 4 lbs.  Not a big loss but its been gradual and consistent . My BMI is approximately 23-24%.  I plan to lose an additional 6-10 lbs before my next Drs appointment in October. Bringing my weight to 137-141, a 2-3lb loss a month is doable and realistic. An additional weightloss will bring my BMI to 21-22. I'm no longer in the overweight or obese category.

My blood sugar was 119 this morning and 90 before dinner tonight. Gradually losing weight and my diet is finally stabilizing my glucose. I'm going to start increasing my activities and hopefully build my stamina back up without causing additional lower back pain. I deal with pain on a daily basis but hopefully the changes to my body will improve my overall health.

The bad thing is most of my weightloss has been in my hips, back and butt. My spine, ribs, & hips can be seen through skin. My tummy is misshapen and gummy. I've lost 2 inches in my chest .I'm hoping my tummy shrinks more without the rest of me getting skeletal.