The Impact of a Short Life

On Wednesday my good friend started living a nightmare, the thing most parents fear. My Facebook status from yesterday morning.....

Good Morning Facebook. Hopefully everyone is well on this day of Thanks. Shortly before bed I read a friend's status of every parents worst fear and of a medical miracle or God's Will. Perhaps it was a testament of a mother's love and connection to her child. My friends daughter was pronounced dead and death certificate was filed. While waiting for her to be picked up , my friend was holding her hand saying goodbye and noticed her daughter to start breathing again. She was resting in ICU before I went to sleep. My friend didn't know what the rest of the night would bring but I'm sure she is   thankful for this extra time God has given her family. Please pray for my friends.

I know this girl and spent a lot of time with her years ago. I started crying when I read this status. I've Read similar things online but I know this family. God does work miracles. Jessica passed away the second time on Thanksgiving and didn't come back this time.

Jessica had cerebral palsy, mental retardation and autism. Most of her problems were caused by a birth accident.

She never walked a step or spoke a word but her life impacted anyone and everyone she came in contact with. Her life mattered to other children in West Virginia with Autism and developmental disabilities. Her mom served as a council member for WV Developmental Disabilities from 1995-2008, she received the appointment from the governor. My friend fought hard for her daughter and helped make changes for thousands of children with disabilities in West Virginia. My friend fought hard to keep children like Jessica from being excluded in schools and from being isolated from other students. Because my friend fought hard for her own child other children will benefit because of Jessica's life.

Jessica's life was brief but will live on in all who knew her.

Safe Sex

Wow had an interesting conversation earlier with some of my husband and I mutual friends. They are swingers and attend partner swap parties. I find the ideal of partner swapping detestable, my husband's feelings are similar to my own. Being in a monogamous marriage for over 22 years has been important to us. It shocking that other people enjoy being sexual with random people. Sure her tubes are tied but its dangerous allowing an uncovered penis to enter the body. I guess working in healthcare for 12years I think about the spread of STDs, Hepatitis and HIV , that the use of condoms prevent more than pregnancy. Perhaps I am too cautious but why risk it? The use of condoms lowers the risk by 80%.

I also know unless you are regularly tested sometimes symptoms of infection of HIV/ AIDS go not noticed for years. Why risk it? Is she that stupid?

Happiness

I have been thinking of happiness lately and what brings me ultimate joy or emotional turmoil. I'm a happy person most of the time often times finding joy in the smaller things. Family and the friends in my life make me happy. Watching my dogs play makes me happy and playing with my dogs makes me happier. Knowing my niece is safe and off drugs makes me happy. Seeing my family pull together and risk angering my niece made me happy but scared. Our love for her was that strong we were willing to do anything to save her. If you read my previous entries you already know my niece went willingly and it made us happy she was willing to save herself.

The ordeal my niece went through was traumatic and devastating for all of us. Not knowing if she was dead or alive for four days was an emotional rollercoaster. Her reappearance ragged and half starved made us happy. Knowing she was safe made us happy.

Physical possessions mean very little to me so they don't make me happy unless a memory is attached to it. The small things that mean the most have emotional ( romantic) attachment that I will not share with anyone. I can't. Everyone has a secret part of themselves that very few are welcome in. I have rediscovered that secret place in myself through a lifelong friendship. This friendship brought back intense memories. Through this friend I have learned to forgive and come to terms with the past.

I hope my niece can forgive those who wronged her also to be healthier and for healthy relationships in the future. Letting go is the hardest thing but the most important to be happy.

Lady of the Night

Hey guys its ___________!! Come see me and you will be begging for more! Please only serious calls. I'm not looking for conversation or texting, no blocked calls. Located right off 71 north on 161. no drama, just me and you and all your dreams come true! $80 donation tonight only! Incalls and out calls tonight!

Call me at 614 xxx-xxxx Please no texts as i dont have have have that feature.

This an actual ad from Backpage. I removed her name and phone number to protect her privacy and wanted to discourage any of my readers from contacting her for her services. The girl is openly selling her body. The $80 donation is a fee for her time, the sex is free.

Is this girl being coerced into prostitution? Is she doing this willingly to pay for drugs?

I' m __________. The ultimate female companion, with a beautiful face, fabulous body, And a Sweet Charming personality.I Will overwhelm you and exceed your expectations ;)

614xxxxxxx

limited/Explict text
No foul language.
Fetish friendly
NO PRIVATE CALLS.
OUTCALL/INCALL

No affiliation with any type of criminal law enforcement.

Donations are for time and companionship

PICTURES 100% REAL!! ✔

This was a 19 year olds advertisment. Seriously people, like a cop is going to say I'm law enforcement.

These kids should be working their first jobs not selling themselves. Are they really doing this by choice?

Keeping my Promise

Finding out my niece was using black tar heroin was devastating to our whole family but you can't imagine how heartwrenching it was when she was reported missing by her husband. Seeing the missing person poster on Facebook made everything more real and us more desperate to find her.

We didn't know if she was dead or alive. Maybe she overdosed and nobody found her body yet. We just didn't know. Sharing the poster online and door to door helped get her image of there just in case. At the time the  missing person poster was created my niece was being raped by the first of 7 johns. She was forced into prostitution to protect her children.  Rueban continuously told her he knew where she lived and would hurt the children if she tried to run. My niece was a victim of human trafficking. Her perpetrators was so called friends.

Not knowing was the worst part. She resurfaced almost 70 hours after she was reported missing. Our family went through 96 hours of hell but considering what she went through she was the lucky one. I still search Backpage and see these young women with empty expressions. How many are in situations like my niece was? Is their face also on a missing person poster somewhere?

It was heartwarming seeing friends and relatives share her picture on their wall. The more her face was out there the more likely she would be found. So now when I come across a missing person poster online I look at it and share it because maybe I can help by saving a life by sharing. My niece and family was lucky, we got her back. She is almost 4 weeks heroin free now and has her kids with her. She is safe and well.

I made a promise that I would no longer bypass a missing person poster and I'm keeping that promise.

Pity

I feel so bad that young adults are advertised as escorts on Backpage and Craigslist. Their time cost money but it doesn't change the fact they are treated like a piece of meat. I wonder how many found themselves in similar situations as my niece? My niece was coerced into prostitution to pay for an addiction to heroin. Now she's learning to live without it and fighting a new addiction, crack. I could understand her being an escort to pay her rent or feed her children but for heroin is ridiculous. I see so many girls my niece's age and younger with a vacant look in their eyes on these meat market websites. Are they doing this willingly or are they being coerced? Is this a way to pay for addiction?

My niece suffered the indignity knowing we are aware of the prostitution and the humiliation of admitting it to strangers. Fortunately her police record remains clean with no arrests, she did press charges against her perpetrators. I just hope the scars from being an escort and the things she was subjected to fade from her memory.

My niece is three weeks clean now and taking things one day at a time. She's in therapy and dealing with every day stress. Two days after she was taken to OSU for detox she made arrangements to get her kids back. She has her children. She also knows remaining with her husband will be detrimental to her future, she's filing for divorce and asking for sole custody. Her husband shot up in front of the children and would "fall out" for hours. My niece thinks in order for any visitation to be granted he should prove his sobriety. Even though she used heroin for several months she never used in front of the kids and never enough to "fall out" herself. She still had to be mommy.

My niece was very fortunate that her use wasn't more than it was. She was forced into working as an escort for 3 days by a so called friend and pumped full of heroin to make her compliant. My niece was very lucky that she has a family willing to fight for her and that she had a way out.

So many of these girls are moved hotel to motel and city to city to isolate them from loved ones, never staying anyplace too long.

My niece is one of the lucky ones.

Backpage

Seeing my niece advertised as an escort on Backpage was almost as devastating as knowing she was using heroin. In a way worse than being a junkie. Had her addiction reached a point she was willing to lower herself to prostitution. According to her she was forced to being an escort but by whom? 

These scantily clad women are selling their "time" for donations but the sex is free. Wtf! I love the term this is not an offer of prostitution. By saying donation payment would not be required but they indicate a payment scale. For a Qwik E it might cost 40 and up . A half hour 75-100 etc. Do these prostitutes think law enforcement is this stupid?

Addictions

As a family member of a heroin addict I'm trying to understand how things got completely out of control. When did that precious girl I raised for a few years start shooting up? Why did she use heroin in the first place? Did she willingly use crack or was it by force? Was she willing to prostitute herself to pay for her next fix? We have so many unanswered questions and my niece's explanation of the events that occurred the 96 hours she was missing.

According to my niece , someone asked her to drive them to pick up marijuana. She had stopped using heroin but was still smoking pot so she agreed to do it . The person was supposed to give her some of the marijuana. On the way back they stopped at a motel so she could hang out with a friend ( Jessica) for a few hours. Apparently my niece was offered heroin a few times before actually using it. After using the drug she was really relaxed to the point of passing out. Her so called friend left the room and a man entered that sexually assaulted her. My niece fought and screamed, the friend came back into the room to tell her to shut up, Rueban didn't like this. After the first "john" she was given more heroin plus crack and was with a second man. After the second "john" Jessica and Rueban created a page on a website similar to craigslist advertising my niece as an escort. These people told my niece this was the only way she could pay for the drugs. Human Trafficking? My niece was with 7 men in 3 days. Other than heroin and crack she wasn't given anything but cigarettes & pop. After 3 days my niece stopped receiving calls and the morning of the fourth day Jessica & Rueban fled stealing my niece's car, the car her husband didn't report stolen until 70 hours after she went missing. My niece was given a ride home by a stranger and immediately trying to contact family to beg for help. My family took her to OSU for detox. My family is protecting her and keeping her away from triggers until we get her into a rehab center.

What we know is Sunday at 4:58 she text my eldest niece saying she was going to call. That call never came. 8 hours after my niece went missing a webpage was created offering "Krissa" for $75. The page was created on Monday 10/7. There's a lot of unanswered questions but until she's ready it's best not to force her to talk. I just wonder if she did some of this willingly to get her next fix and this got out of control??

She is currently living with family and has her kids. She's been clean for 15 days. I know the road ahead might be long and heartwrenching. Her well being , safety and health is our main priority.

My next installment to this blog is about the webpage.

When Do Children Notice Difference?

Yesterday during a family get-together I noticed all of the kids were playing with eachother. They didn't see no color or the fact that one of the kids had down syndrome. These 4 children below the age of 4 didn't see the different skin color or the fact the 5th child was different.  Little Glenn has Trisomy 21 better known as Down Syndrome. When do they see the differences? Do our attitudes as adults eventually change the kid's behavior towards people with slight differences or something extra?

Collateral Damage

How can a girl who grew up attending church, lived in a middle class home and attended great schools stoop so low? The answer is simple, heroin. It will first numb your pain while stealing your soul.  This addiction takes hold quick and robs the person of their very existence. The person might spend a majority of their addiction chasing the dragon, never quite getting the initial feeling again. You know the feeling they had the first time they used.

This past week has been heartwrenching and traumatic for our family. Knowing the girl I raised was reported missing but not knowing where to look. Was she alive or was she dead ?Was she being raped or was she hurt , somewhere? We just didn't know!!! Seeing the MISSING PERSON poster made things more real and terrifying. Seeing my niece on a poster like I've seen thousand others brought tears to my eyes and many sleepless nights. During the day we waited for our phones to ring at the same time dreading that call telling us they found her body. Drug abuse doesn't only affect the person abusing the drug. It affects every person that loves them!!

Our nightmare is hopefully over or maybe this was a taste of what's to come. We don't know. That's the irony , you just don't know when someone you love becomes enslaved by drugs.

Drugs Suck!!!!

It's been a stressful week full of worry and tears. Anger and fear. Deception, lies and downright disrespect. My niece was missing for 70 hours after she was reported missing. My family spent many nights praying for the phone to ring but hoping it wouldn't. We found out my nieces addiction was running rampant and the extent she would go to feed it.

Prostitution and theft became her way to support her habit, i'm ashamed to admit this. But it's her shame not my own. All we can do is support and love her without enabling this behavior as she gets help. We know therapy and rehab will only work if she's willing to get clean. If she's willing to stay clean. Heroin is not a drug to mess with and once it takes hold the urge remains years after the last use.

This week was full of sleepness nights and bad dreams when we did sleep. Knotted stomaches and rapid heart beats as we waited. It's hard to see a missing person poster on Facebook but it's excruciating when you personally know the individual in the pictures or it questions your very existence. It was hard and heartbreaking. I will post more later about this. Right now my emotions are raw.

Damn Drugs

I'm so sick of drugs and what it does to individuals, especially those close to me. Just when we think things are getting calm all hell breaks loose yet again. In the past 8 weeks we learned my niece, the child I raised, is an heroin addict. Twice during these 8 weeks she has taken a car that DOESN'T BELONG  to her to go get heroin and once during this time my 5 year old nephew, her son, was reported missing to the police. My 5 year old nephew was taken to a crackhouse by his father and left unattended so the father could do god knows what. C was gone 36 hours and since the father didn't take him while he wanted to shoot up heroin, no harm was done . What the f***? C is 5 years old!!! 5 years old. As far as I know she hasn't been seen since SUNDAY. She asked to use her mother-in-law's phone and hasn't been seen since. Neither has the car.

The paternal grandmother is enabling J and K's behavior, so the car was not reported stolen. I'm afraid we may need to contact Children Services and have the kids removed from their care at this time. We are trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and tried having faith in her but once again heroin is winning. Since I live 100+ miles away I'm leaving that call to my brother and sister-in-law because she is their child. And those are their grandchildren. I love K so much and those babies, I just want what's best for them. Would being in foster care be less stressful than living with drug addicted parents? The chance of the kids being seperated has been the reason for our reluctance to call weeks ago and there's always the possibility that this might spiral out of my families control. Or send my niece further out of control. Perhaps the kids being there is what is keeping her from getting worse.

The kids deserve stability and sober parents.

I'm angry that drugs are more important to my niece than the children she brought into this world. I'm angry she used in the first place. I'm just angry.

With my M-I-L being so sick and her own dad finally getting over being so sick, this couldn't of happened at a worse time. But is there ever a good time?

Understanding Things

In April when I was diagnosed with type 2 Diabetes Mellitus I didn't think I would get things quickly under control. It almost seemed hopeless. Through blogging, reading other people's blogs, Facebook, American Diabetes Association and research I armed myself with knowledge. Although alot of people helped me and continues to help me ultimately the success or failure is mine to make. I'm happy to say my Type 2 diabetes is under control. It's been weeks since any major spikes.

By controlling my intake of the things that cause spikes I've lost a considerable amount of weight. Think my total loss so far is 20-22 lbs, I am around 137 lbs now. Less than 10 stone, with my ultimate goal of 9 (126 lbs).  I have a healthy amount of body fat around 23% and once I reach my goal I'm hoping for 20%. For my height 126 would be perfect. I'm currently in a size 6 jeans and m-l shirt. Most likely I will end up in a size 4 and medium shirt.

Eating healthy and avoiding certain foods most likely lowered my cholesterol , so it's a win win situation. I was able to avoid insulin and improve my overall heart health. Diet and Metformin works wonders.

I'm still going to remain vigilant in controlling the diabetes because it's my health, body and life. Even though my numbers are normal I still have diabetes. It's just quietly lurking like any opportunistic disease waiting for me to relax my diet.

HA HA DIABETES I WON THIS ROUND!!!!

Hospice

My emotions and problems seem so insignificant right now. My job and responsibility is supporting my husband in every way possible throughout his Mom's illness and eventual death.

The hospital started her on therapy to have the services stopped. My mother-in-law is dying.

Thursday the healthcare team, Drs and family will sit down and discuss my mother-in-law's discharge. And her release to Hospice Care.

With hospice care a lot of conventional treatment is stopped and the focus shifted to Palliative Care. As she approaches the end comfort and pain management will become the priority. Please keep us in your thoughts.

Yes I know

I been blogging and deleting a lot lately. I have a lot to say but I'm afraid of hurting other people. After I write something and publish, I reconsider my words hours later and I delete. I'm afraid my words and honesty will end of hurting me later on.

I'm frightened of what I feel and what I've done. I've been happy for 22 years even when I doubted things at times. I never doubted his sincerity or commitment to me. My husband loves me more than anything in this world. I love him so much and I have never done anything for my husband to doubt my commitment to him. Even when he has taken my presence for granted to socialize with his friends on his only time off, I've said nothing. When I've begged him to stop drinking, he continues. For a long time I have thought alcohol and his friends were more important than me. I have no intentions of giving up my marriage. A marriage gets stronger with each struggle. I guess I will tell my friend goodbye. Even though our friendship is strictly platonic, I guess I'm meant to be alone talking to my dogs and playing stupid games online.

I never realized my friendship with B would cause him so much turmoil and insecurity.  For 22 years I have loved my husband unconditionally, embracing his faults and loving him anyways. Often being left alone when others needed him. Everyone else have always come before me. But I said nothing. He's always been enough for me but he doesn't see that.

I've always have a lot to say and nobody here to hear me. I guess the rest of my life is right on track.

Becoming friends with my ex-boyfriend was not intentional. When I started talking to our mutual friend, I had no intention of talking to B. Our connection is too strong to ignore but I must and have. We have a mutual respect for eachother and our friendship is strictly platonic. We are both committed to our own spouses and family but I guess that don't matter. Anything that gives a small glimmer of contentment or happiness must be wrong.

There will be changes around here because if I'm expected to remain in this solitude , he will be right here with me.

Perspective

Yes my confusion is still here but it seems less important. Having a major health crisis in the family does put less important things in perspective. My mother-in-law's health took a decline this week. Is it life threatening? Yes it could be. Hopefully the medical intervention has stopped further decline. Since her EOL (end of life) decisions have been made acceptable treatment is limited. The one thing that could give her more time is a ventilator, she doesn't want that. She doesn't want to be kept alive by artificial means nor does she want brought back if she dies. She made these decisions a long time ago and confirmed her EOL decisions this time. She will be 71 on Halloween

She has approximately 15% lung function and her lungs are no longer able to do their job. She is getting CO2 build up in her blood. She did agree to a bipap (non invasive ventilation) which she wears continuously at night and every 2 hours during the day. When she's not on the bipap she's on 5 litres of oxygen. She also has carbon monoxide building up in her lungs.  The carbon monoxide and CO2 can have devastating consequences.

We honestly don't know from hour to hour what's going on. We just support her and our family any way we can. Last night I quietly sat by her bed listening to her sleep, stroking her hand. My sister-in-law hasn't left her side for almost a week so we brought her a hot meal and a few things she might need . We gave her a small break so she could rest. Family is family. During times like this petty problems seem not important and families come together. My husband and his sister don't always get along but the compassion shown is unmistakable. My sister-in-law is in the process of being diagnosed with MS and stress can be detrimental but she sleeps in a chair at the end of her mom's bed.

My own confusion seems less important and made me realize what is. Family.

To Be or Not Be?

Recently I've learned more about trust and friendship. Slowly and without warning I became the type of person I despise. The person I never dreamt of being, I want me back. I want the confident but slightly insecure me back. I want the love completely and freely person back. I am not me right now and don't know how to fix this. Without completely wrecking my life and repairing it once again. Don't get me wrong my marriage is good. I have a man who loves me and I don't doubt this. He's seen me at my best and loves me at my worst. He's never stopped fighting for us, in a way I have. But there's a small crack in the foundation of our marriage now. I don't know how to keep the crack from widening further without hurting other people.

I hate being so unsure and gullible.

Blogs that hit home, pulmonary fibrosis

Have you read another blog and that you totally understand where the blogger is coming from? Last night I read a blog and it hit me in my comfort zone. The blog was talking about one of their immediate family members recent diagnosis and how everyone is pulling together. It almost seems like it was yesterday that my stepmother passed away from the same disease her family member is facing. Pulmonary Fibrosis. The prognosis isn't good if you know someone who's living with it. Our family learned to accept the uninvited disease and face the unknown.

Pulmonary Fibrosis can be considered a terminal illness and is always fatal with a life expectancy of 5 years. We had less than 6 months.

Pulmonary fibrosis is the formation or development of excess fibrous connective tissue (fibrosis) in the lungs. It is also described as "scarring of the lung".  (Source Wikipedia)

Symptoms

Symptoms of pulmonary fibrosis are mainly:

Shortness of breath, particularly with exertion

Chronic dry, hacking coughing

Fatigue and weakness

Chest discomfort

Loss of appetite and rapid weight loss

Pulmonary fibrosis is suggested by a history of progressive shortness of breath (dyspnea) with exertion.  Sometimes fine inspiratory crackles can be heard at the lung bases on auscultation.  A chest x-ray may or may not be abnormal, but high Resolution CT will frequently demonstrate abnormalities.  (Source Wikipedia)

In 2009 or 2010 everyone began to notice my step mom was losing weight rapidly and starting to experience shortness of breath. Her activity level quickly diminished. She stopped going to town. This was a woman who went to town multiple times a day or drive 70 miles (round trip) for a deep fried pickle. Or 100 miles for beef jerky. Her sudden exhaustion didn't raise too much concern because she was 80, general tiredness should be expected with aging.

As the shortness of breath persisted and continued to get worse testing began in 7/11. In August she was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis. The prognosis was bad. My dad, niece and stepsister began providing 24 hour care at home.  On 12/14/11 my stepmother was admitted to the hospital to have higher amounts of oxygen administered. She was quickly put on 15 liters. On 12/20 the Dr felt she should be put on a ventilator, she refused. The hospital wanted her to go to a hospice, she refused. She just wanted to go home. The hospital she was in was 50 miles from home.

On 12/21 my family arranged for a squad to bring her home.  Our family realized she might not survive the trip but it's what she wanted. A couple hours before the transport some of the family came in to be there when the extra oxygen tanks were delivered, three tanks were connected. My step sister got her new furniture (she never sat on) and another decorated a tree. The hospice nurse arrived .

During the transport her oxygen had to be decreased. Again we were aware she might not survive the trip. Once the squad arrived and she was being unloaded her eyes brightened up. You could see a radiant smile behind the oxygen mask as she greeted the family with a wave. She was home.

It took an hour or so to get her situated and for quick training for those providing direct care. My family was shown how to give her morphine during the times hospice wasn't there. We thought we would have a few days so I was supposed to go the next morning to be with her.

The hospice nurse gave her morphine and she started burning up. The doors and Windows were opened. My family put on a CD of Dolly Parton singing "precious memories". Her conditioned worsened but she was alert enough to comfort my step niece. She told her not to cry I'm with Jesus now.

She passed away as Dolly was singing "Precious Father, Loving Mother". I'm bawling as I write this.

Perhaps the ambulance ride took away hours or days from the time she had left but it's what she wanted. Maybe the hospice might have gave her a few days but she just wanted to go home. Why deny her that? She felt she took care of her 9 children including me and some of her grandchildren , we should take care of her. My family took good care of her. Did she suffer? Her golden heart stopped beating before she started completely suffocating. In the end it would of felt like trying to breathe with a boulder on her chest. She made a choice to refuse further medical intervention just to go home.

It breaks my heart knowing a family I only know through blogging will take this same journey my family traveled not long ago. I'm praying for them

Diabetes Control

Protecting my ultimate health and the fear of insulin is the two main reasons why I take my diet seriously. It saddens me knowing my friends with diabetes were once in the same place I was in April are now on insulin. Most didn't try to change their diet or lifestyle. 75% of them continue to eat bad even today and some drink alcohol. Why Why Why? Are they trying to kill themselves? Diabetes Mellitus can affect every organ, diabetes can lead to amputations and death.

Diabetes Mellitus can be managed with diet , exercise and medicine. Diabetes Mellitus can become a terminal illness if it isn't managed.  Why don't they try harder. It's not that difficult to avoid sugar and things that cause spikes. I did it and my diabetes is controlled. I was very discouraged in the beginning but I got advice from.others with type 2.  They helped me make better choices. We cook differently and eat differently, it's not that difficult. I mess up occassionly but that's just me. I may have lost some of my favorite foods but perhaps I added years to my life by making better choices.

Jael from ANTM

I was shocked to find out about Jael's addiction to methamphetamines. If you followed ANTM SEASON 8 you know about JAEL. She was one of a very few that had an actual personality on season 8.  She didn't take life or the modeling competition seriously. Although she took stunning pictures she wasn't model material. The sad reality is if she won the competition she would not have been taken seriously as a " TOP MODEL". For many on ANTM they found out by doing the reality series most reputable agencies won't hire them. Very few have become super models. Don't get me wrong a few did good after ANTM but only a few. It's a dog eat dog career and only a few are left unscathed. A couple of the contestants ended up on other reality series. Lisa D'Amato ended up on celebrity rehab for addiction. Adrienne Curry, the first winner of ANTM, was on the Surreal Life where she met Christopher Knight (Peter Brady, from the Brady Bunch). She did a couple other reality shows because of her relationship with Knight.  Adrienne like Jael had drugs in her past.

I really think those entering into the competition should have their mental health evaluated. The criticism some experienced was harsh and semi-abusive. Modeling takes more than a pretty face and size 2 body. Most develop nerves of steel and a calm resolve to deal with rejection. Jael didn't have the calmness and control of her emotions.

I'm not blaming ANTM for Jael's problems because she obviously had problems before she was on ANTM. One of Jael's close friends died of a drug overdose while Jael was doing ANTM. She did push through for that week.

Reality shows that focus on beauty and body type, can be very detrimental to young girls and adults because of the constant judgment or criticism. Jael had problems beforehand. I think contestants should be evaluated before being filmed. Jael no longer had no goals after doing the show and relied heavily on drugs.

Jael's intervention happened on the Dr Phil show. It was kind of shocking seeing her behavior and how much she had changed physically. If you haven't seen the video look up her name on YouTube.

I'm praying the intervention and drug rehabilitation works for her. It's a shame to see a once beautiful girl pitted, scarred and skeletal from drug addiction.

Drug Epicenter in my State

In my State its Marion. The community posted signs in their front yards saying "Heroin Fuels Marion's Economy". A private citizen paid for 800 signs to be printed and distributed. I don't think Marion is the epicenter but it may have a larger percentage of arrest or overdoses than most communities comparable in size. Heroin abuse exists everywhere and until people proclaim it, it will remain a dirty secret.

Marion proclaimed their problem in a big way by posting signs. What about Findlay or New Richmond or Columbus? I have relatives in each place struggling with addiction. Heroin is an opiate that destroys lives. It destroys families, relationships and the community. It destroys. This whole situation has left me pissed off and speechless.

The real damage is still unfolding. What the fuck is wrong with my family? It was heartwrenching to find out 1 or 2 were dealing with addiction but 7?? Two are my biological nieces putting fucking drugs into their bodies. 6 are shooting up.

In the long run their kids will suffer. It's all becoming apparent and I'm fucking pissed.

140

I met my latest goal with weightloss. I'm now around 138-140 lbs. Below 10st for my readers in the UK. My next and final goal is 135, I'm almost there. My glucose is not spazzing out with each bite of food now, I haven't seen real increases in over a week.

I'm sticking to my diet regardless of readings. I don't think the diabetes is gone it's laying dormant for my next fuck up.

Diabetic Spike

I'm happy to report that since 8/15 that I've had normal (and healthy) blood glucose except yesterday. My daily average has been between 90-110. Yesterday it did spike at 173 (4 hours after eating)  but today it's back to 115. The strange part is I had only ate whole wheat & oat toast with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter. It's not like I downed a mt dew or ate chocolate or anything with real sugar. My body doesn't handle carbohydrates, starchy food or sugars. It sucks!

Twerking Part Deux (2)

I wonder if Miley Cyrus wasn't Billy Ray's daughter and had not started her career on Disney if the twerking would of been a big deal? Had this of been Lady Gaga, Beyonce ,Katie Perry or Rihanna it may have been expected and easily accepted.

That is the cruel reality of the entertainment industry. She's getting a ton of bad press but any press is better than not being noticed at all. Many celebrities built their careers on negative articles. And I've noticed with some legitimate magazines (not tabloids) that if certain celebrities aren't mentioned every 2-3 days they intentionally do something to get mentioned again. Kayne West is good about that and will complain about the media interfering in his life. Beyonce is another celebrity that complains of the press invading her privacy but does her damn best to get weekly mention.

So Miley was twerking on an awards show on MTV. Honestly big fucking deal. People's complaining about how inappropriate it was, have they ever seen the reality shows once showed on VH1 such as Rock of Love or Flavor of Love?  I admit I enjoyed watching them but skanks paraded around half naked for more than 2-3 minutes, much longer than Miley's twerking.

She's trying to find herself as an entertainer who's now an adult, give her a fucking break. If people want to censor award shows then don't do a live feed, have a 5-10 minute delay. But then again I would hate to live in a country that the government and elected officials censor what I can see and cannot see. This is the home of the brave and the land of the free.

Twerking

I guess every generation has an entertainer or two that has explicit behaviour on stage. This isn't a new concept but I think Miley's clothing that night increased the shock factor besides her twerking.

Twerk - The rhythmic gyrating of the lower fleshy extremities in a lascivious manner with the intent to elicit sexual arousal or laughter in ones intended audience

I found the definition in the Urban Dictionary.

My generation had Madonna and Prince. Their behavior on stage was shocking at the time . Offensive lyrics , and obscene dance. Mild compared to Twerking though. One member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers preformed with just a tube sock covering his junk. Flea, the bass player for the RHCP has also been on stage completely nude. I don't recall anyone making a big deal about that.

Miley is like many entertainers who got locked in very high expectations. She constantly has to reinvent herself to get away from being Disney Channel's Hanna Montana. That role worked for her as a young teen but to further her career as an adult she went to the extreme. She isn't the first Disney actress to go bad or reinvent themselves. The Mickey Mouse Club had a few. Many had to go to the extreme to get away from the squeaky clean image they maintained for years on Disney.

Christina Aguilera's song "Dirty" was an eye opener. The video and the way she was dressed was raunchy .Britney Spears has continuously reinvented herself.  Britney got involved with drugs after marrying & divorcing young.  Everyone watched Britney's life crumble in the tabloids. Lindsay Lohan was another Disney princess to fall from grace, her destruction has been ongoing for years. Not all of them could be clean cut like Annette Funicello. Even as an adult Annette's behavior was reminiscent of her behavior on Disney.

And it's not just the kids who started their careers on Disney. Other child actors who played certain roles for years were unable to get into a serious adult career. Or their new roles were stereotypes of old characters. Some child actors and performers were able to maintain careers as adults but the failure rate seems greater.

Sadly some cute kid actors look homely as an adult such as Macaulay Culkin. His career dissipated once he hit puberty and failed to materialize as an adult. He had a great career run during the 80s and early 90s. This once A list actor can still get bit parts but isn't taken seriously. Culkin wasn't the first actor to be unable to move from child to adult roles. Macaulay Culkin has battled drug addiction this last decade. 

Miley will continue to take chances and reinvent herself to further her career. Hopefully she won't ruin it before then because of twerking.

Parallel Lives

Growing up during the 80s in the Mid-West I realize now how lucky I was. I'm very fortunate that I never became addicted to drugs & alcohol. If you have followed this blog you already know my mom died when I was 12, a month before starting Jr High. In Jr high I experienced something I've never felt before. I was bullied and felt inadequate among my peers. I was so underweight my body had not developed yet, my breasts was nonexistent.  Friends I had in elementary school joined in with the crowd to bully me and a few other."poor" kids. I felt ugly and so alone. I never felt good enough or worthy enough to converse with my peers. Between the age of 12-14 I was so miserable I spoke to nobody at school and when I did I was the butt of many jokes. Most of my peers did not know my mom just died and I didn't tell them because I didn't want their pity. I couldn't talk to my family because of our screwed up school hours. By the end of 7th grade a new girl moved next door and I finally had a true friend. I did have some friends in Jr high but nobody I could confide in and nobody that lived close. It was a lonely time for me and I experimented with alcohol.

When I moved away when I was 15 did my classmates notice I was even gone? Probably not ,my existence at that school was insignificant. At my new school I made friends easily and felt less isolated. My best friend was my cousin and I spent weekends with her at her boyfriends. We would get drunk every weekend. I had two groups of friends! I tried to be more outgoing at school and made friends that way. I was popular among my peers for once in my life. I attended football games & dances. I was heavily involved in clubs such as VICA, DARE and FHA. I had a boyfriend, my life was finally good but on the weekends I got drunk. It's ironic I was never around alcohol when I was younger.

Before Mom died neither of my parents drank alcohol on a regular basis. Occassionly Dad would buy a 6 pack and drink one a day. I only remember my Mom drinking once at an office Christmas party. When she died Dad's personality did a complete 360. He started drinking more and daily. My brothers started drinking. If my sister and I wanted to do something , Dad would rather we do it at home. Dad bought us cigarettes since we wanted to smoke. Bought my sister Rum. After a few months of severe depression my Dad woke up and forbid us to drink.

A hundred mere miles away another teen was experimenting with alcohol and drugs. Our age and circumstances were similar but I'm unsure of her school situation or home life. Her drug use quickly became significant and long term.

Alot of people smoked marijuana around me when I partied all the time . I made a conscious choice not to use drugs, smoke dope or continue drinking. As early as I started drinking I could of very well become an alcoholic.

Once I was old enough to obtain the alcohol myself it had lost all of its appeal to me. I made a choice not to drink anymore. I made a choice to not be around people using heavier drugs or use them myself. That's what bothers me about my niece's heroin use. She made a choice the first couple times she used. It is controlling her life now and will continue to do so. Even though she "claims" to be clean she's most likely using again. It breaks my heart because heroin is taking away her freedom to choose. It may very well take away her freedom (jail or prison) and eventually her life. That is the reality of substance abuse!!

We realized today it may take something significant to wake her up and hopefully it will. My mom died of natural causes . I don't want to see my great nieces and nephew growing up without her for her own stupidity. And their dad's own stupidity. It's stupid putting a needle in their arms to feed a controller (heroin). I will support her through recovery but I won't enable her.

I'm a Teetotaler

Teetotalism is a strange term but one I've practiced for 12+ years. I don't drink alcoholic beverages. I haven't really drank alcohol since I was a teenager. Drinking lost It's fun when I was actually old enough to buy it myself.

Teetotalism refers to either the practice of, or the promotion of, complete abstinence from alcoholic beverages. A person who practices (and possibly advocates) teetotalism is called a teetotaler (also spelled teetotaller; plural teetotalers or teetotallers) or is simply said to be teetotal. The teetotalism movement was first started in Preston, England in the early 19th century. (Source Wikipedia)

Don't get me wrong between the age of 13-18 I was trashed most weekends. We would get adults to buy beer and wine for us. We would stay put and not go out of the house once we started drinking. 

Some of my friends also smoked marijuana, no adults bought that for us. I never really dabbled too much with pot, I liked beer. None of our group had problems with alcohol once we were adults and none of us became druggies, surprise surprise. All of my friends grew up and stopped drinking. All got married, raised families and worked a respectful job. All attend church, believing in a God greater than themselves and they instilled that belief in their children.

These days I don't drink and only take prescribed medication. The smell of beer is appalling to me now . Being a teenager in the 80s was awesome.

Everything happens For a Reason

I have been thinking about my side of the family and everything that has happened since March. My family has dealt with every emotion from the loss of my uncle R to pancreatic cancer and being angry for my niece's addiction. And everything in between. I think things happened the way they did for a reason. That theory didn't make sense at the time but I believe it now to be true.  In March when I learned about R's cancer I was also told of my Aunt J and B passing away. Not only did I have to deal with the potential loss of my uncle, I was grieving for my Aunts. My Uncle died a few days after I found out about the pancreatic cancer, it had metastasized to his liver. Even though my Aunts have been gone for awhile and a long time before R, I had to grieve for the loss of all 3 at the same time.

In April things got really bad. I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and my eldest brother ended up in the hospital with pneumonia and an unidentified infection that could of potentially became lethal.  He had multiple issues that needed resolved but if the infection turned septic, the other issues would not matter. He could of died from any of these issues. My brother's sickness went on until July. He was hospitalized a few times and 15+ times through the ER. He was supposed to have a sleep study before his operation, which would of put his operation and his daughters Csection around the same time. But ended up having emergency surgery in July. By time he was almost fully recuperated, Levi was born. I think his surgery happening when it did was a blessing.

On the day Levi was born we learned about my niece's addiction to BTH. Had my brother been struggling with his own medical issues still he would not of been able to help his other daughter and support his ex-wife while she helped my niece detox. Again everything happened when it did for a reason.

My brother became the strength of the family again after months of sickness. Both of my nieces needed his strength this month. His former wife needed his strength. My eldest niece is recuperating from her Csection and my other niece will be recuperating from a heroin addiction the rest of her life. I honestly don't think it's over. One small slipup can get her spiralling out of control again. It will break my heart if she starts using again.

This is my niece (addict)  holding Levi. To protect her privacy I cropped her face out of the picture.

Great Nephew

A boy after my own heart

Addiction Update..

I'm so happy my niece reached out to me yesterday. She is struggling coming to terms with the realization she has a problem and she's struggling with the return of feelings she tried to numb with heroin. She's an addict and will always be an addict, she will be recovering for the rest of her life. Heroin addiction is quite different than most addictive behavior as heroin is the strongest of the opiates.

It makes me question my long term use of opiates, that I have taken off and on since 1998. I hurt my back and was initially prescribed 800 mg of ibuprofen in the ER. By the first Drs appointment I was given a shot and placed on bedrest with a prescription of Tylenol 4 for 2 weeks.  For the next 3 years I took epidural injections and cortisone in my lower back along with extensive physical therapy. I kept working as a Nursing Assistant, sometimes working 16 hour days. I continued to get worse. During the 3 years I took Ultram and a muscle relaxer, alternating between Flexerel and Zanaflex. After almost 3 years my Dr started restricting the hours I could work and placing me off work. I did everything possible to keep working and avoid stronger medication. My Dr ordered a second MRI and showed additional damage including deterioration of lower vertebraes from L4 down and an additional herniated disc. Due to unforseen circumstances I changed Drs, my first Dr died. I've been with my current Dr 12 years. In 2001 I was put on Percocet 5, initially prescribed 4 a day. After awhile and it was moved to 12 a day and then I had my operation. My surgeon put me on vicodin and increased my muscle relaxer from 2 to 8 a day. For 2 months I took 34 pills a day. I spoke with my Dr and Surgeon about the amount of pain relievers I was prescribed. I was worried about possible addiction. Both assured me that since I had a medical need addiction was not likely. I wasn't taking them for a Buzz. After 2 months my medicine was drastically decreased and I was fine with that.

Oddly enough when I was taking pain killers around the clock my niece who was 13-14 at the time was my care giver. Yes the same niece who is now dealing with a heroin addiction. During my heavily medicated first 2 months of recuperation, I could do very little for myself. I used a walker for 2 months but couldn't stand up without assistance to use it. My husband showered and dressed my lower extremities. Helped me go to the bathroom when he was home but when he was working, she helped me. I could not get in and out of bed without help, I needed someone to put my back brace on me. I was a mess. I got better but for how long? I'm as good as I'm going to get. As I age I will deteriorate further and I'm currently on a Class 2 Narcotic, I take 6 a day. I've been on the same dose for years and never ask for an increase or stronger dose. I also have the option of pain shots at the ER. I've only taken 3 in 15 years.

Earlier on I did everything possible to avoid long term pain killers including 4 epidural blocks, cortisone in my spine, surgery, therapy and work hardening. Everything failed. I made a conscience choice to avoid life altering decisions  regarding pain relievers and stronger narcotics, so far so good. I worry about possible addiction and my own well being. Physically I need my medicine to function because the pain is real. It's not an imagined pain. Do I need it everyday? Some days NO.. somedays yes. I've had too many diagnostic test to prove the medicine is needed.Somedays doing basic house cleaning, laundry and vacuuming increases my pain or. Other days I can do more. Pain sucks!!

Considering the amounts of opiates I've taken and continue to take I'm not addicted. Those around me have progressed to hard drugs but I have not.

Diabetes Update

After the last 10 days I'm fighting to get things back under control after being blindsided with my niece's addiction. I'm an emotional eater and continuously pick or nibble when I'm stressed. Thankfully with the help of Metaforim my numbers are returning to manageable levels. I'm moving forward with management and continued control of my type 2. 90% of the time I limit calories, carbohydrates, sugar and starchy foods. I eat around 1200-1500 calories a day. I keep carbohydrates & starch to a minimum. I've eliminated 90% of sugars and look for healthier alternatives to my sweet tooth.

Sunday morning I took a small sip of my husband's MT DEW and cringed from the taste. Things with full sugar have become nasty to me. I can't believe I ever loved MT DEW not too long ago. Diet Dr Pepper is the way I roll. I just wish some carbohydrates had the same effect for me as MT Dew did. McDonald's fries have become nasty. No I'm not buying fries for me, I randomly swipe a few from hubby once a month.

Today my blood sugar was 107. I never thought months ago my waking blood sugar would be below 140 .

I'm an Addict

Admitting to yourself and others that you have a problem is the first step to recovery. I was pleasantly surprised to read this on Facebook earlier....

I have been through hell this past week but i put a lot of people through hell and i need to apologize for my bad decision and stupid mistakes. I deserve the hell i went through bc of what i have been doing but my family did not deserve it. I want to thank my mom  and her Whami Detox Center I want to thank my Dad  for loving me and wanting me to get better. I want to apologize to my sister  for doing what i did and especially since you just welcomed that beautiful babyboy into our world you guys didn't deserve that and i will spend the rest of my life doing what i need to stay clean so that nothing like that ever happens again I want to apologize and thank you. m-I-l because you needed me and i wasn't there for you but i thank you for your love and faith. That goes for everyone its not going to be a easy road there will be bumps and even some potholes but i made it that way. I hate that i only see how much love there truly is for me when i do something as stupid as what i have done.... I am now and will always be a addict but im staying clean for me my babies and my family i love you all so very much and i don't deserve the forgiveness or the love you guys have shown me but im going to do what i need to to make sure i earn it all back. i love you guys.

This is copied directly from her facebook status I did remove my family members names for privacy but It's a start. She is starting the rehabilitation process as is her husband. She's aware of the possible outcome if she or her husband abuses drugs.

Addiction Sadness

Where is that little girl that I took to the zoo with a few of her little friends? Or when she decided to go roller skating instead of dressing up for trick or treat?  Where is the little girl who swam in 12 ft water at the age of 4, gliding through the water like a mystical mermaid? My precious girl walked before she was 9 months old and used the potty chair by the end of her first year of life.  She did everything earlier than most and what she did ,she did better. She is my second niece and the first with my genes. I was 17 when my brother became a biological father for the first time. He was so proud to show her off. Now he's angry like we all are and he cries for the child he could possibly lose because of Heroin. His daughter, my niece, our world. Her mother's heart breaks more each day, trying to care for the little ones and her junkie daughter while working a stressful full time job. That is the reality my family is facing because she made a poor decision to try heroin. Her grandfather is unaware of her habit and she's been warned not to darken his doorstep with her problem. And she's not to pester him for money, as far as she knows he's broke. We chose not to tell him because it would break his heart. He has enough heart break hearing about our extended family who's also hooked on that shit. If my mom and stepmother could see her now from heaven, I imagine their eyes would be full of tears. As ours are. What happened, where did we go wrong?

I helped raise my niece, did I mess up in some way? Did I miss something or not give enough love and attention? Did I give too much? When I spoke to her about the importance of education and about starting a career before starting a family did she listen? Of course not. She gave birth twice at at the age of 19 (10 1/2 months apart) and again at the age of 21 (twins) . Being a young mother of so many kids quickly became an excuse for bad choices, bad relationships and her needing attention. Don't get me wrong she loves her kids but she's using them as an excuse for her own bad decisions. She chose to have unprotected sex with her husband shortly after the birth of her eldest child and before he took his first steps she gave birth again.  She chose to get pregnant again to save a crumbling marriage, she had twins born 8 weeks premature. She chose to leave and come back to her marriage, being a young mom who married too soon was her excuse. She came back a few months ago to rekindle her marriage and to care for the children so he could go to rehab. I dislike her husband but I don't blame him for the mistakes she continues to make. God blessed her with the ability to make decisions and common sense. Most likely since she's shooting up heroin, he introduced her to it. I don't blame him and wish neither ill well but I hope they both will get help to fight this disease. If not for their kids, at least for themselves. Heroin is one of the hardest substances to quit and more often than not it takes repeated attempts after multiple relapses. Heroin is the only drug pharmaceutical companies have developed alternative drugs to help kick the habit, methadone and suboxen (sp?) . The problem is the alternatives for heroin are highly addictive also. So the addict is trading one addiction for another. Will she be able to be clean and stay clean?

I will love her until my life is over but I will not enable her bad decision. If she needs food we will feed her but no money will exchange hands nor will she stay at my house if she's not clean. I'm hoping and praying to god she can get clean. Not for our sake but for her own. I don't want to see her die young for stupidity and see her put in the ground.

The road ahead of her if she chooses life will be rocky with dangerous precipice as she gets sober. I just hope if she gets too close to the edge , she hangs on. We love her.

Addiction is Not for The Weak

I love my family and would give up my own life to save one of them. If my sacrifice extends their life by only one day and ends my own , I would still give part of myself to them. Family is family and my love for them is unconditional. My family has been disappointed in me from time to time and their own actions have been disappointing to me but I would die today to save one of them. I'm very disappointed and ashamed to admit my family member is a junkie. She knows better and that addiction destroys family. A girl I helped raise is tempting fate each time she shoots drugs. It's like Russian Roulette with a single bullet, each time she shoots up the gun clicks revealing an empty chamber. Eventually she will get to the bullet and the results will be deadly. She's killing herself and we can't save her until she's willing to save herself. Addiction is a disease, the same as my type 2 diabetes is a disease. Both were inadvertently caused by bad decisions but I was predisposed by genetics to develop diabetes if the conditions were right. The conditions must have been optimum because I waited too long to make changes to my diet and lifestyle. Regardless how much weight I lose and how controlled my diet is, I will still be a diabetic. Even if my numbers stay normal I still need to be cautious.

On the other hand I don't think my loved one was predisposed to become a heroin addict. I'm ashamed of her disease and the person she has become because of the addiction. I will continue to help fight for her life and get the girl we love back. She needs to fight for own her life and face whatever fallout her disease has caused. I'm frightened she might get a disease or be sexually assaulted while she's using heroin. What if she shares a syringe with her husband or someone else? Will she end up with HIV or Hepatitis C?  What if she's raped while under the influence? What if she ends up in jail or prison? The city's work house? Heroin addiction makes all of these things real possibilities.

What if she buys bad dope or overdoses? The consequences of Heroin Addiction are very real and life threatening. It might not get her today or even next week but eventually she will get to that loaded chamber and bang she's dead.

Addiction

Most family deals with addiction at some point and sadly my own biological family isn't exempt from this frustration and heartbreak. I'm angry at a young adult I helped raise. I'm hurt that she has put herself in this situation and I'm frightened for her. Someone who shares my genetics is a heroin addict. She's been shooting up dope. Her body is wasting away. I used to think things like this happened to other families not ours but these last few weeks has been a wake up call. I had one (step niece) in jail for heroin trafficking to support her habit. Her husband in jail for stealing to support his habit. My step-nephew for forgery and step-brother is wanted. When will this fucking stop? Now my biological niece is hooked on this shit.

WHY WHY WHY????

The day some of the family found out about her addiction my other niece had just given birth. This day should of been about joy and hope, it suddenly turned to agony, anger and despair. Our family is angry with her, we are mad as hell. We are angry she used heroin to begin with. We are angry because she has 4 small children, but their safety and wellbeing comes last. We are angry because she let M down on the day L was born. She had agreed to watch the other kids while M was giving birth unbeknownst to us that she's a junkie that has been shooting heroin. She risked 6 little lives to go get her fix, speeding on the freeway without using proper child restraints. We are mad that she left 6 small children unattended in a hot car on a hot day. We are fucking pissed she carried heroin in the car with these children driving erratically. She risked their lives to get a fix. I'm mad as hell she broke her parent's heart knowing the medical struggle her dad just suffered through. We spent 4 months not knowing if he would live or die. A week ago my brother cried like a baby for his daughter and cries daily. He's possibly the strongest man I've ever known and I draw my strength from him and my husband. They both broke down and wept.

But at the same time I scared and fearful of her future if she even has a future. Once she gets clean staying clean will be a struggle for the rest of her life. Heroin addiction is one of the most difficult things to beat. I'm scared each time she uses she is damaging her body, slowly killing herself.  We know now she's been abusing heroin, we feel so helpless. It's painful for me , that a girl I would give my life for is dying because of heroin. Will she get hepatitis or HIV from shooting up? Will she die of an overdose? Will she end up in prison or jail? Will she be a victim of a violent crime or sell her body for that next hit of heroin ? These questions are yet to be answered.

I talked to family yesterday as I was forewarned most likely she will reach out to me when she becomes homeless in a few weeks. We all decided if she's hungry we will feed her but we will not give her money nor will she or her husband be allowed to stay with any of us. Her 4 babies complicate things and we will try our hardest to keep the kids out of children services. The kids will be the true victims in this and that part is shattering my heart. It makes my blood run cold knowing her bad decision may hurt them. We don't want them in foster care or seperated. The kids don't need to be around their parents or heroin either. It's a lose lose situation for the kids until she gets clean and stays clean.

Contrary to popular belief drug abuse affects more than the person slowly killing themselves.

Besides the drug addict , family members and children are the victims.Children often end up being raised by other family members or being put in foster care.  The communities are affected because of the rise of crime. An addict without limitless resources will steal and violence will increase in neighborhoods polluted by drugs. The war on drugs may turn out to be WW3, as the causalities and dead continue to rise. I want my niece to live and not be another statistic. I want her to see her addiction affects all of us.

I recently reached out to a recovering addict I seen 15 years ago on the documentary, Black Tar Heroin, The dark End of the Street. After years of Heroin use she was able to get clean and stay clean. Her overall sobriety is tested daily, 15 years later. She chooses to stay clean for her family but most important she's staying clean for herself. She is giving other addicts hope that there is life after addiction. Over half of the people that were on the documentary have died of Heroin overdose. They were young and still had their lives ahead of them. When I first seen this documentary I never thought this level of addiction would happen in my family. I was wrong.

Moral Compass

Sometimes I question my life and what helps me make decisions in my life. Being brought up in church I was taught to be a moral person. But what makes an immoral person? Bad decisions or choices, we all make them periodically. I know I do. We all make bad decisions, nobody is perfect. I am not perfect, and never claimed to be. I'm a sinner, we all are. I've showed pride for my accomplishments, and pride is one of the 7 deadly sins. I recently spoke harshly to a friend about her mother, I judged a stranger for her "loose" actions. My friend doesn't know who her father is because at the time she was conceived her mom was married but had multiple partners.  I called her mother a whore and after my friend left I felt awful. I judged a stranger and only one person has the right to judge, GOD. I will ask God for forgiveness and apologize to my friend, because it was not my place to condemn or judge her mother.

Growing up in rural America most of my friends had two parents and nobody doubted their genetics. We knew without a doubt who our parents were. There was no Maury Povich moments, you know what I'm saying. "You are not the father." I guess their moral Compass doesn't have a stopping point, or perhaps it stops much later than mine does.

I think religion plays a big part in being a moral person but people who don't follow the teachings of the church aren't always immoral either. I think for the most part most people are decent regardless of religion and most follow the "Golden Rules" and 10 commandments without realizing it. I was really surprised organized religion and Christianity is not that important in Alot of countries. My grandfather was a Wesleyan minister and he was a sinner earlier in his life. After he was saved he became a minister and preached for 50+ years. Besides visiting the sick and preaching the gospel, he raised a god fearing family. My parents attended a baptist church. Three times a week. My brothers and I all attended Catholic Church, my brother J was baptized as a Catholic at birth & given the "last rites", he is still alive almost 49 years later. My brother D completed catechism classes and his children are being raised in the Catholic Church.

I think we all have a Moral Compass with different stopping points. How I choose to live and my inability to lie is a testament to my upbringing. For most of my life I've treated others decently and with respect, regardless of how they treated me. Recently my opinions have become harsher and unjustified. I need to ask forgiveness and stop being so critical.

Right now I'm angry, hurt and frightened. These emotions are justified. I pray our faith will get us through this path I never thought we would have to travel.

I will go into more detail the next entry.

Oatmeal banana bars

I made this and used a 8" x 8" square pan. It made 16 squares. It's yummy

Privacy

Believe it or not I'm a very private person. It's easier for me to share bits and pieces of my life here without totally exposing myself. I'm a screen name here and a diabetic. I'm a grandmother because of a long marriage to my husband. I'm a daughter, aunt and friend. I have a few sick relatives and suffer with a back injury that may or may not put me in a chair. For 7 years I was an administrator of an online chat. My experience on the chat left me jaded and more private. I remain friends with a select few from the chat.

But I'm more than all of these things. I'm very private and shy. My experience with the chat and MySpace made me crave privacy. My security settings on Facebook are to the extreme. If your not a friend or on one of my existing friends list, " I don't exist" even though I'm registered as my real name.

An ex stalked me online and I left MySpace years ago because of the unwanted attention. Honestly the relationship we had ended in 1990 and didn't mean anything to me. There was no intimacy..nada. I held his hand at school. In his mind our relationship was life changing and based future relationships on what we had. He's had 2 failed marriages because they weren't me. I ended this "relationship weeks before I graduated, he was a Jr. Because of the distance and that I had plans after high school , having a boyfriend didn't fit in my plans. Ironically the night I graduated I was asked out and began a relationship that lasted 9 months, I moved out on Valentine's day. A few weeks after I left R , I met my husband.  My privacy is tight on Facebook to avoid my stalker ex.

Has R tried to find me too? I hope not. Again I'm unknown and removed a friend on Facebook that was a common link. My Facebook friends consist of lifelong friends, relatives and a few online friends. It's less complicated this way. My privacy and sense of self is important. The older I get I'm finding I'm more introverted. I'm content with being alone with my husband and dogs. After 22 years I'm happy with my life. Our family near and far means everything to us. There is a secret part to my heart nobody knows about. A secret self and unanswered questions of "what if ".These questions will never be realized but I'm okay with that. Loving my husband has completed me in ways I never thought possible after walking away from R.

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers.

Cell phones and festivals and Foods

Sadly I decided to miss out on our county fair this year because enjoying festival foods was always appealing to me. Some of my favorite foods I can no longer eat, cotton candy for example or funnel cakes. Cotton candy and funnel cakes will put me back in the land of hyperglycemia easily. Texas Tenderloin...the bread would send my head spinning. Maybe next year when I'm more stable I will enjoy going to the fair again. I'm pretty much sugarfree but have trouble with eating things in moderation.

I've attended this particular fair since I was a teenager. It was always a great place to catch up with friends I didn't get to see all summer. Besides eating, playing games and riding rides, it was fun to just hang out. We would cruise the midway and say hello to other friends we would happen to see or bump into. More often than not we would have to check in with a family member occassionly and knew when it was time to go. There was no cellphones then, just payphones to tell us to come home.

My generation would interact with the people and objects around us. The younger generation no longer enjoy the surroundings most walk with a phone glued to their ear or texting oblivious to the life around them. It's disappointing that very few look around.

Reality with type 2 diabetes

I'm sad that I allowed myself to get this horrible disease. My poor eating habits and extra weight played it's part along with the strong genetics. I was predisposed to this disease through my genetics and how I gained weight, it was all in my midsection. I was overweight but not obese. I barely had an unhealthy BMI, a few pounds between normal and overweight. The sad reality is my siblings who are bigger than me DO NOT HAVE DIABETES. Or they don't have it yet. Until I was in my 20s I was severely underweight. I weighed 140 when I injured my back. Took steroids and epidural injections in my spine. My sedentary lifestyle after surgery got me here and having 5 fast-food restaurants within walking distance.

My life today is denying myself all sugar and limiting carbs. Starchy foods is very limited. I do cave with an occasional French Fry or a carbohydrates feast. I'm not perfect. My glucose is normally 111-120 when I wake up, not 170 anymore. I'm still putting up a good fight, I know now it took me 42 years to fuck up. I can't fix this overnight.

Diabetes update

I had an appointment yesterday b/p was 128/80 pulse 94 oxygen level 98% and weight 147. I had a 11 pound loss since my diagnosis of type 2 diabetes in April. I weighed 158 and lost 1 lb the first few days. From 4/29- 5/26 I lost an additional 6 lbs. From 5/26- 7/31 I lost 4 lbs.  Not a big loss but its been gradual and consistent . My BMI is approximately 23-24%.  I plan to lose an additional 6-10 lbs before my next Drs appointment in October. Bringing my weight to 137-141, a 2-3lb loss a month is doable and realistic. An additional weightloss will bring my BMI to 21-22. I'm no longer in the overweight or obese category.

My blood sugar was 119 this morning and 90 before dinner tonight. Gradually losing weight and my diet is finally stabilizing my glucose. I'm going to start increasing my activities and hopefully build my stamina back up without causing additional lower back pain. I deal with pain on a daily basis but hopefully the changes to my body will improve my overall health.

The bad thing is most of my weightloss has been in my hips, back and butt. My spine, ribs, & hips can be seen through skin. My tummy is misshapen and gummy. I've lost 2 inches in my chest .I'm hoping my tummy shrinks more without the rest of me getting skeletal.

Reality of Drug Abuse

Coming to terms with the sickness, loss and disabilities in my family has been very difficult. We've had days of sorrow and anger, joy and disbelief, hope and feeling powerless. No family is immune to loss or sickness and no family is immune to drug abuse. The magnitude of things going on in our family almost seems surreal. I never thought 10 years ago or even 5 years ago my extended family would be going through this. Not us, not my family. I used to think bad things happened to other families, not ours. The joyful celebrations are overshadowed by loss. For instance my great nephew will be here in 5 days but another great nephew was born still a few days ago as a result of drug abuse.

Most of what's going on is still unfolding. The repercussion of this level of drug abuse is unknown.  Long stays in rehabilitation facilities will be required and total disconnection from people they used with including other family members. Relocating to a new town may be needed away from areas they used heroin in. Places they bought heroin will forever be a temptation. That is their new reality besides rehabs and jail.

It's embarrassing admitting the truth about loved ones f**king up their lives. And that's what they're doing. My blog entries is about honesty and my thoughts on issues. Thinking you can use these things once without long term addiction is so naive. If my honest thoughts can save one person, then it's worth it.  I'm ashamed family members even put themselves in this situation but I am frightened more for the little ones who will grow up without their parents. What do you tell a 5 year old why Mommy might not be home for 5 years? Heroin was her and Daddy's choice.

Meth was my step-nieces downfall. Less than one year before her prison sentence began she had been a cheerleader and valedictorian of her graduating class. She received a full scholarship to a great university including room & board. Within months of starting college she was hooked on methamphetamines. During an outing with her boyfriend they were arrested for possession of meth and she had a concealed weapon. She was sentenced to prison .Because she wanted to try meth once her life is ruined. And she will have to fight addiction for the rest of it.

Heroin and methamphetamine abuse is no joke. Both of these things can kill the person abusing these substances. These things create criminal records and destroy lives, making situations hopeless. Heroin and methamphetamines destroy families and friendship. Heroin and methamphetamines destroy lives. Using just once can lead to eventual destruction of everything you hold dear. Why chance it ? Was that buzz worth it?

Meth is a man made compound consisting of poisons carefully mixed together. Heroin is the strongest form of opiates. Heroin and meth are highly addictive that begins destroying the body from the first use.

Faces of Meth and Heroin Users

"Faces of Meth™ is a project of the Multnomah County Sheriff’s Office. This project began when a deputy in the Corrections Division Classification Unit, Deputy Bret King, put together mug shots of persons booked into the Multnomah County Detention Center. Deputy King worked with his co-workers in the Classification Unit to identify people who had been in custody more than once. He then worked to verify criminal records and files to determine and assure a history of methamphetamine related use. Deputy King also started interviewing people in custody to learn of their drug use, experiences with methamphetamine, how or if methamphetamine contributed to their criminality, and asked what they would tell young people about methamphetamine.

What Deputy King set out to do was create a realistic presentation about methamphetamine. He didn’t want to create something that made people curious about a drug nor that was a scared straight program. The idea was simple, be honest with kids, let them hear directly from the inmates, and show them what people who work on the front lines –whether it be a Corrections Deputy in the Jail, a Police Officer on the streets or a Public Health Nurse in a clinic see methamphetamine doing to people and to our communities." (Quoted Directly from Faces of Meth website)

I used this Oregon website to demonstrate the effects of methamphetamine abuse. I do not live in Oregon but methamphetamine abuse happens here too. Heroin and meth arrest make up 75% of our jail inmates. For example our county 5 years ago had approximately 300 arrests a year. Last year it was almost 2000. This year it might be 2500-3000 by the end of the year. I was reading our local paper online and viewed the active arrest warrants. 25 pictures of wanted individuals were posted together, the effects of drug abuse was apparent. I knew some of these people and it breaks my heart. Sadly the pictures I seen reminds me of the faces of Meth website. The pictures are used to educate kids and young adults of the danger of drug abuse.

As powerful as these words & images are, drug offenses are increasing. No community or family is immune from the repercussion of drug abuse. Drug offenses have increased 500% in our small, picturesque village these last few years. Sadly the devastation of drug abuse exists in my extended family too.

It's heartwrenching knowing some of the family I have been part of since 1986 have fell into this trap. Their appearances changed as well as their personalities from shooting up heroin? Methamphetamines ? Their minds and bodies wasting away. Drugs ravage the body and kill.

The addict isn't the victim, the children of an addict pay in the long run. Children of addiction end up living with other family members or in foster care. Children of addicts end up alone or become orphans.

That's the reality of drug abuse.

Rough Week So Far

Besides my diabetes being out of control most days, even though I eat right 85% of the time. I have been dealing with family loss and sickness.

If you're a regular reader you know about the sickness and terminal illness we've dealt with since Spring.

My Mother-In-Law D has less than 20% lung function and has probable Lung Cancer. Because of her inability to be put safely under anesthesia they can't biopsy the tumor. And there's a chance it can metastasis if they opened her up. So removal of the tumor isn't an option nor is chemotherapy. The tumor is growing. We know this from New xrays. The Dr basically told her to enjoy the time she has left.

A couple weeks ago they found a blockage in her heart. Again anesthesia isn't an option. Yesterday the Dr sedated her to put stints in and the aneurysm on her heart prevented anything from being done. She's had the aneurysm for years so this isn't anything new or something we didn't know about. Just Another obstacle. The Dr pretty much said nothing can be done. He did prescribe an extended relief medication similar to nitroglycerin. It's just a matter of time. She's yet to get a terminal diagnosis but things are looking bleak.

In other news my Aunt P died on 7/23, 30 years and 5 days since my mom died. Four months and  6 days since their brother passed away. Our second family loss on moms side in a few months. I'm sure my mom , grandparents& 5 siblings are catching up. Funeral arrangements have not been announced yet :-/.

Now for some happier news. My brother's health is improving just in time for the birth of his 7th grandchild. Levi can arrive safely without complications. My nieces csection is scheduled for 8/7.  And even better news

My uncle is being discharged from the Nursing Home today after 3 weeks in the hospital and 20 days at the home.

That's my life in a nutshell.

I'm a Day Late

I Hate Diabetes and Having Diabetes. I'm Yet To Embrace It or Accept It.

I'm scared and frustrated but I will continue to fight to achieve normalcy. Yes I know with diet, exercise and medication I can still have a long, meaningful life. I miss eating something without worrying if my glucose will spike to outrageous levels. I miss the times I would shop without closely examing each label for sugar content and carbohydrates.

In Loving Memory of my Mom

Thirty years ago God called my Mom home, 4 short days after her birthday. I do believe she's in a better place but still it feels so unfair. She only got to see one of her kids completely grown, there is four of us.

She seen one graduate but we all graduated, three of us went on to college. I graduated college with a 3.8 GPA.

Her eldest son  Jimmy was a manager of a multi-million dollar business for 14 years. Her second oldest son was in the Nuclear Field (Navy) for 8 years, Dave traveled the world on the bottom of the ocean. Her third child and oldest daughter took the long way getting where she needed to be but she eventually got there. Deb works for Whirlpool.

I'm the youngest child. In high school I received multiple awards and accolades on the state level for health knowledge, worked in nursing and for a major telecommunications company after graduating college.

Losing my mom as a preteen was heartwrenching. I was barely 12 years old and I felt robbed.  Deprived! I felt lost but my life continued even when I prayed hard to go back in time, for more moments with mom. I feel cheated. She died without warning and I seen her take her last breath. I remember the coroner pronouncing her dead. The years she should of had were taken away abruptly but  I know she's with God.

I got married on what should of been her 50th birthday, the first of her children to marry. She never got to meet any of our spouses or grandchildren or great grandchildren.

She never got to hold any of her 10 grandchildren or 9 great grandchildren, her 10th is due to arrive on 8/7. Would they had called her grandma? Nana? Granny? We will never know. She would be so proud of the grand babies.

Realistically I know had she survived the stroke as severe as it was she might of been bedridden and unable to eat, drink or communicate. Medical intervention in 1983 was not promising for Cardiovascular Accident (stroke), had she not died immediately.  Today there is medication that can reverse the long term effects of a CVA if It's given soon afterwards. As much as I wanted her to live it would of been more devastating for me seeing her suffer.

I just think of every moment she's missed and how we've missed her.

She's gone but not forgotten...

Ella Kay born 7/14/41 died 7/18/83

Til Death Us Do Part

I, Angel take you, Jerry, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

On July 14, 1991, I said those simple words and meant them. I started dating J on April 3, 1991

Our relationship began with being introduced by a mutual friend. We were engaged 3 weeks after our first date.

6 weeks prior to our first date I had walked away from a long term relationship with someone else. We were warned to not rush into anything and take time getting to know eachother. But I knew he was the one I was meant to be with. July 14 was approaching.

Twenty-two years ago when I was 20 I married my best friend. He's the love of my life and not to sound too sappy my soul mate. We got married on what would of been my mom's 50th birthday. I made my mom part of my day because she could only be there in spirit.

A couple weeks after my wedding the ex tried to get me back by writing a 16 page letter and Leaving it at my job. He didn't know I had got married. I called and thanked him for it. He was crushed.

Our path crossed two more times but I had said goodbye months before. It must of been hard on B seeing me happy with someone else.

Our marriage has been rocky at times but we take our vows seriously. We are committed to eachother. Death will be what eventually seperates us.

My hubby was 31 here and I was 24

Just a Brutally Honest and Random Opinion about insulin usage and stupidity.

Disclaimer: As a person diagnosed with type 2 Diabetes Mellitus, I've researched this subject for my own benefit and overall health. I've been given excellent advice from others with type 1 and type 2 diabetes plus I've worked with Drs, nurses and dieticians  in the past, years before my own diagnosis. I'm not a Dr, Nurse or Dietician. I am not an expert and any advice offered should not be taken as truth because what works for me may not always work for you. Investigate or research Diabetes if you're diagnosed with it. Ask questions or talk to your Dr or experts. Talk to your pharmacists or chemists. Talk to dieticians. Ask questions!

This blog is about stupidity

I know of this woman through a co-worker of my husband. And she uses INSULIN. She was prescribed insulin. The problem is she was prescribed insulin a long time ago and doesn't have insurance so she can't afford to fill her prescription. And hasn't had additional testing.

One of her neighbors is prescribed insulin and E has been using her neighbors insulin over a year. 10u twice a day. If E is using her neighbors Insulin the neighbor It's prescribed to obviously isn't, which can be dangerous for a diabetic.

E was prescribed to use 10u of insulin BID a long time ago. A diabetics medicine needs can change. The medicine is based on  a GTT and A1C test . Medicine is prescribed either by a Family Physician or Endocrinologist.  For instance I'm on Metaforim 500 mg b.i.d. and unless my needs change I could remain on this dose . If my a1c or GTT indicates I need insulin , insulin is prescribed for me. But there's no guarantee my immediate needs for insulin will be the same in 6 months as it is right now.

People who use insulin know too high insulin can be dangerous and not enough can be lethal. Besides hyperglycemia and hypoglycemia, there is organ failure. Coma, blindness and death.

Diabetics also knows glucose control is more than medicine or insulin. Glucose control happens with proper diagnosis, diagnostic testing,  diet , exercise, weightloss and medicine.

E's a diabetic who needs insulin but never bothered to change her eating habits and is still taking 10u insulin but has spikes of more than 500. She's playing Russian Roulette with her health. 

She had a seizure yesterday. I wonder if her diabetes had anything to do with it?

Diabetes and Disability

Everyone knows if you've been following my blog that I have type 2 diabetes mellitus. It's currently uncontrolled again by poor diet choices and stress. It's time to buckle down and get back on track. My poor food choices doesn't happen too often but even with medication I'm seeing hyperglycemia . With diet and further weightloss I can avoid certain complications. And with my lower back injury some complications is likely because of decreased sensations in my left leg and feet. Besides the herniated discs I have a condition called Spondlyosis.

Spondylosis is a term referring to degenerative osteoarthritis of the joints between the center of the spinal vertebrae and/or neural foraminae. If this condition occurs in the zygapophysial joints, it can be considered facet syndrome. If severe, it may cause pressure on nerve roots with subsequent sensory and/or motor disturbances, such as pain, paresthesia, or muscle weakness in the limbs.

When the space between two adjacent vertebrae narrows, compression of a nerve root emerging from the spinal cord may result in radiculopathy (sensory and motor disturbances, such as severe pain in the neck, shoulder, arm, back, and/or leg, accompanied by muscle weakness). Less commonly, direct pressure on the spinal cord (typically in the cervical spine) may result in myelopathy, characterized by global weakness, gait dysfunction, loss of balance, and loss of bowel and/or bladder control. The patient may experience a phenomenon of shocks (paresthesia) in hands and legs because of nerve compression and lack of blood flow. If vertebrae of the neck are involved it is labelled cervical spondylosis. Lower back spondylosis is labeled lumbar spondylosis. (Source Wikipedia)

My injury is in the lumbar region . From L4- S1. The deterioration in my spine starts around L3. I've cut the bottom of my left foot repeatedly in the past without feeling it or being aware of the cut. Being diabetic this could have devastating results. I'm now careful with my feet and go barefooted less outside.

I fell last summer without warning or cause. Spondlyosis?

I've had the pins and needles for awhile ( paresthesia) but also an indicator of hyperglycemia.

It's time to save myself. Because if I don't who will?

Diabetes Update 7/7

I don't know if it was stress from the holiday or stress knowing about ongoing health issues with my family but I caved in and had one hell of a carbohydrates fest. My glucose is soaring right now and I need to get back on track.

I ate a Big Mac, 1/2 an large fries. My glucose was 270 at 10:00 on 7/6

I feel awful. I have always been a stress eater . And that hasn't changed.

If your an older follower you're aware my Mother-In-Law is terminally ill. She's on a Bipap at home and her condition is deteriorating.

There's a couple more family members struggling with major health issues. If your not a regular reader you may need to read previous blog entries to get caught up.

My brother is starting to recover after months of ER visits and 5 hospitalizations including 3 operations. He's now home on Oxygen and  has a bad infection, most likely caught in the hospital. I worry being so far away from him especially with my niece so close to delivering Levi. I need to be there but I'm needed here for my husband. And I'm needed here for my daddy.

My Dad's Older Brother had Emergency Surgery 3 weeks ago and ended up in ICU. After a week of rehab he was put in a Nursing Home yesterday on isolation on his 80th birthday. I honestly think what little family we have left down here is so minimal to care for him at home. But at the same time it irks me. I'm wondering who signed him in? No I'm not considering getting him out. It hurts me my disability would prevent me from helping with his care. I've got a low back injury that will possibly put me in a wheelchair sooner than I would like. It's just not fair!!!!! I love my Uncle D. It's just so hard knowing the care he needs is the same care I provided hundreds of others for years I can't provide. My Dad is 73 and he's not physically able now either. I'm so stressed. Please pray for me that I'm able to control my diabetes through this storm.

Weekly Post

Starting today on July 1 2013 , I will be limiting my blog posts to one a week on each particular blog.

On Mondays I will post on my Random Thoughts and Brutally Honest Thoughts blogs.

Random thoughts is about Random Personal thoughts, medical issues and my journey with Type 2 Diabetes Mellitus. Unless I am having real issues I will try to limit future entries to one a week.

Brutally Honest Thoughts is about Controversial Issues and treatment of disabled people in Society.

On Thursdays I will write in my Pets Blog and Euthanasia Blog (brutally honest euthanasia).

Pets blog is about my Shih Tzu Rocky, mixed breed Rudie and my cat.

Brutally Honest Euthanasia- discusses laws , terminal illness and setting up legal documents to let wishes be known. I'm not encouraging Euthanasia with this blog but trying to understand how some make that decision.

If I continue to write or blog daily it takes hours out of each day. Hours I could be doing other things such as living my own life. It's summer and the sun is calling me.

I will blog again next Monday. See ya on 7/8