Yes I know

I been blogging and deleting a lot lately. I have a lot to say but I'm afraid of hurting other people. After I write something and publish, I reconsider my words hours later and I delete. I'm afraid my words and honesty will end of hurting me later on.

I'm frightened of what I feel and what I've done. I've been happy for 22 years even when I doubted things at times. I never doubted his sincerity or commitment to me. My husband loves me more than anything in this world. I love him so much and I have never done anything for my husband to doubt my commitment to him. Even when he has taken my presence for granted to socialize with his friends on his only time off, I've said nothing. When I've begged him to stop drinking, he continues. For a long time I have thought alcohol and his friends were more important than me. I have no intentions of giving up my marriage. A marriage gets stronger with each struggle. I guess I will tell my friend goodbye. Even though our friendship is strictly platonic, I guess I'm meant to be alone talking to my dogs and playing stupid games online.

I never realized my friendship with B would cause him so much turmoil and insecurity.  For 22 years I have loved my husband unconditionally, embracing his faults and loving him anyways. Often being left alone when others needed him. Everyone else have always come before me. But I said nothing. He's always been enough for me but he doesn't see that.

I've always have a lot to say and nobody here to hear me. I guess the rest of my life is right on track.

Becoming friends with my ex-boyfriend was not intentional. When I started talking to our mutual friend, I had no intention of talking to B. Our connection is too strong to ignore but I must and have. We have a mutual respect for eachother and our friendship is strictly platonic. We are both committed to our own spouses and family but I guess that don't matter. Anything that gives a small glimmer of contentment or happiness must be wrong.

There will be changes around here because if I'm expected to remain in this solitude , he will be right here with me.